The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?
I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!
At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.
The only reason I like you anyway is because you’re all wrong for me. You have issues that would complicate my life and give me yet another reason to go into crisis mode. Why would I do that when I know full well you are a beautiful disaster? I do it because, as I told Dr. D yesterday, it’s because I know the rules of war but not of peace. I sometimes set up my own crisis because that is how I became accustomed to living. Oh I’m going to tell you that I hate drama and hate conflict, blah, blah, blah, blah but the truth is, I know nothing else. When it comes to these so-called romantic relationships or intimate relationships I know nothing but conflict and strife. I don’t know what to do when things are calm and quiet. I say I want peace but really, I have no concept of it.
Sometimes I think a program goes off in my head, a virus if you will, that says oh look there’s something good, run from it. Program start: this jackass has serious issues, initiate contact. Seek and destroy the progress you’ve made in therapy by finding some kind of painful someone to hold on to.
I know this path. My God I know this path and how it ends. I know my self control is sometimes limited and my good judgement is zilch . Here I am again. Here I am with a choice to make, keep going or pull the car over and think about it. Hell, why pull over? I should tuck and roll and simply bale the fuck out-the- moving-car.
But what program will I run if Self Destruction 2.0 is allowed to crash?
I can’t be touched. Well, that’s not true. I don’t do casual touch well at all. I don’t like to hug, hold hands, snuggle and all that stuff. The only touch I can stand is sex. Sex is as mindless as drinking a glass of water. But casual touch makes my skin crawl. Bump into me, touch my arm when you laugh. Watch me turn cold as stone.
So since I know this, since I know I sometimes seek conflict and put myself in a situation where a disaster could will arise, what do I do with the information? What do I do with the insight that says, you are very destructive and have boundary issues? I hold on to it and hope beyond everything that it becomes more than and intellectual understanding and more than blog fodder.
Destiny
I do this every single time. I reject the people that are too kind, and look for the most dysfunctional situation I can find. A great way to feed the dysfunction that happens in my head.
I hate it. I love it. It’s all I know.
They say awareness is part of the solution. Seems like I’ve been sitting at that awareness level for a long time.
Take care,
CG
You know, after I wrote this entry I thought to myself, girl, you need to set this one to private cause you’ve said a bit too much. You’ve admitted way too much in one single blog entry. I’m happy I didn’t take it down. Sometimes truth is so hard to admit.
I think the state of awareness is a good place to be, at least it gives us a chance to advance. Denial and blindness will always lead to emotional death. At least with awareness we have a chance.
I’m glad you shared this too Faith. Reading it reminds me of my sister and the way she is. She has various issues which I wish she could/would try and work through. She is good at art too, I wish she would use art to help her, like you use yours to help you.