Monthly Archive for January, 2012

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A Face to My Anger Pt2

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Art, Art Therapy, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

……… My mother isn’t a mystery to me nor is she one dimensional. She is concrete which makes her a lot easier to me angry with.

Mother anger issues:

I have more memories of her than any other family member; including my older sister which may be one reason my anger towards her is stronger than other family members.

I was intrigued by her. I thought she was larger than life only to find out she was just another sadist in a dress.

I feel lied to. I feel as if my childhood was filled with lies by her and that I’m just now unraveling them and finding the truth. Each truth I find seems to bring up a little more anger for her.

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Thank you for hearing me

Published on January 18, 2012 in Gratitude Journal, PTSD and Trust. 4 Comments Tags: .

The situation: I called to set up an appointment to get my internet installed but the installer complicated things to the point that I had to call the company. The main complaint was his aggression and unwillingness to complete the install. He wanted to make sure the line worked but didn’t want to hook my PC up to the line. He wanted me to sign the paper before the job was completed, before I had my new phone number and before I had the email address associated with my account. In addition to that he kept doing that man burp you hear in bars. He did it 5 or 6 times while he was here. Totally gross.

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Conversation: Anxiety Relief

Published on January 17, 2012 in Anxiety and Humor. 1 Comment Tags: .

Anxiety is no laughing matter…not usually.

Grace:  I’m going to the doctor because of the anxiety. Hopefully he’ll prescribe some meds.
Me:  That’s a good idea to go see the doctor but I heard going on a killing spree works just as well as any anxiety medication.
Grace:  I heard the same thing.

Joan – No Longer Part of Daily Life

Published on January 15, 2012 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Morton's Pride. 0 Comments Tags: .

The entire conversation she thought I was Joan.

Me:  “I’ll show you the brackish water tank when I you see you next time.”
Missy:  “I saw it the last time I was there.”
Me:  “The brackish tank, with the Molly fish in it?”
Missy:  “Yeah, you showed it to me.”
Me:  “Oh”
Missy:  “You need to write down when you’ve been out because someone was upset and said you hadn’t been here since November.”
Silence was followed by, “This isn’t Joan, its Destiny.”
Missy:  “Oh. Sometimes I can tell you apart but sometimes I can’t.”

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Saturday Night at My Place

Published on January 14, 2012 in For the Record. 5 Comments Tags: , .

It’s Saturday which means homemade pizza and cheap wine are on the menu. The last time I did this it was a friggin’ disaster, but…. lets not hang on to the past. Anyway, I made the pizza, very good, and I settled for Coors Genuine Draft in a bottle. I first watched a movie called “The Perfect Host” with the skinny blonde brother from Frazier, David Hyde Pierce. In the movie he plays a convincing psychotic maniac who will both scare the crap out of you and make you laugh. In this story there are disturbing moments as well as laugh out loud parts. The funny thing is, David was so convincing in the role that I started hating him and wishing for his demise. That’s hard to believe seeing as how I like him as an actor. He was so cruel at times that I began to sympathize with the “victim” who was himself a bad guy. That’s what made this movie so good. It takes your emotions and manipulates them like clay. Finally when it lets go of you and leaves you as a lump on the floor you’re like, “What the hell was that?…Do it again. Do it again.” In other words, I really liked that movie.

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I’m Not Sure Why

Published on January 13, 2012 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Fear and Medical. 2 Comments

I’m not sure why but for the last week or so I’ve gone to bed with the desire to curl up and weep. I don’t really know why I feel so grieved.

I swore I was going to eat something today and I did. I had a large salad but I didn’t eat the pork chop. I just didn’t want it.

I read 39 chapters of 41 in a book I discovered just today. I stopped reading when there was a knock at the door. Why would someone knock on the door at 10pm? He knocked several times until finally I went over to the door and said, “Sir, please leave.” He said, “What?” I repeated it to which he said, “Okay.” He then turned around and left. He got into his truck which he left running and with the lights on. Strange. One part of me says he might have the wrong apartment but that didn’t make me feel safe enough to say anything other than, “Please leave.” I had my phone in my hand just in case there was a repeat of the guy who did something similar years ago who refused to leave and forced me to kick his ass when he kicked my door in. I’ll finish the book tomorrow as I’m a little too unnerved tonight.

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Self Love: An Opinion

Published on January 11, 2012 in Emotions, Letters Home, Love, PTSD and Trust. 1 Comment

Self Love: An Opinion – Monday, November 28, 2011-2:46pm EST

I got a letter today from Grace who spoke of the elusive act of self love. She commented that everything and everyone is taken care of BEFORE she has her own needs met. This is common, I know. Mothers do it a lot, friends do it, teachers and everyone else. This is where my opinion on the matter comes in. I think part of the reason we do it has to do with running from ourselves. If I keep moving, keep doing for others then I move right past my own empty feelings and need for nurturing and care.

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