They didn’t keep me as thought, they gave me meds and allowed me to come home with a friend who will watch over me. They gave me strong meds which they asked me to take for a short period of time. As far as my regular meds go, one was doubled and one was added.
One of the friends that’s popping in took the opportunity in the ER to photograph me about an hour after being given that “knock a horse out” cocktail. I just wish she told me to lay down that dreadlock that’s standing straight up BEFORE she took the shot. It’s a good thing I have a good sense of humor. I had to laugh at myself when I saw this.
Because of being plastered I’m taking a few days from doing any kind of real thinking. Right now it wouldn’t be within my best interest to attempt to …. well, to think too hard. You know how you think you’re okay to manage things only later to find out you weren’t? I’m trying to avoid that. I just need a few days and I should be back to my normal dysfunction. For now I’m going to camp on my sofa in the living room so I can watch TV and the fish tanks.
Sometimes I’m weary about discussing pain because its chronic and it seems as if that’s all I”d say in each entry. I’m in pain. I can’t stand this, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, it helps for me to say it. It helps for me to be able to say, this hurts. So even when I feel like I’m beating a dead horse by blogging about the Lupus and Fibro pain I’m still going to do it. I just need to be able to say that it hurts and that I’m struggling with it. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I think saying it it sort of like releasing it. Maybe that makes no sense, which doesn’t matter to me either. All I know is, if I need to say ‘it hurts’ then by golly I’m going to say it.
In addition to saying it hurts I also want to say I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the pain.
until again,
Faith <— whose hair is still jacked up but at least she doesn’t have that stray dread on her forehead or the one standing straight up.
I’m so sorry you are hurting more… and I can so relate to talking about the pain. I try not to as well, but as you say, somehow it helps to say it, write it… make it known. I wonder why that is?
I freakin hate pain!
and that picture of you is adorable! Messed up hair and all…
adorable for a person who was given enough meds to knock out a horse! Sheshhhhh
I don’t know why it helps to say it either. I guess to verbalize it takes its power away just a bit. Maybe? I don’t quite know.
One of the things I came to realize is that I’m not just in pain and sometimes angry about the pain, I’m afraid of the pain. It makes sense now that I think about it but I never really made that connection.
Lets say there’s a guy who is going to have his hand smashed by a large rock. There’s little to do but brace for it, even so a slew of emotions will come forth: anger a feeling of powerlessness, resentment and fear.
The guy getting smashed with the rock can see it coming, the same as we can see the symptoms of a flare start to pop up. He squirms, thinks, “no, no, come on, no!” The closer the rock gets the more panicked he becomes. He squirms, pleads, bargains but it doesn’t matter and he knows it. In the back of his mind he’s trying to prepare for the eventual blow. He tries to be strong but he knows its gonna hurt and he’s afraid of the pain. That’s the part I never really thought about, about being afraid of the pain of Lupus and Fibro.
I’ve been saying it hurts but it didn’t occur to me until recently that I’m also afraid.
BTW – I’m not longer “tore down” but my hair still looks like that. I am feeling a bit better though.
i like that analogy… there is a great deal of fear… i’m afraid of the impending pain, and the damage that is the result of the pain… the new level of normal always leading to eventual disability… really sucks big ones….
glad you are no longer tore down
and i still like the hair
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain…
I wonder if talking about it helps to validate it? Pain like you experience is difficult for others to understand, or relate to. So verbalising it can help to make it more real, maybe?
I like the photo… the hair adds to the whole effect…
I can relate to the analogy of the guy waiting for the rock to smash on his hand… sometimes I’m in a space where I welcome the pain (to distract from the emotional pain), and sometimes I’m terrified of it.
Take care of yourself,
CG
As survivors we know pain best. We know which pain we can handle at the moment and which pain we cannot. Kinda sad really, to think we are experts in pain.