Right now I’m working with the doctor and the insurance company to approve one of the most simple muscle relaxers available. It’s been over a week without a decision.
I’ve had up and down days with a string of down days. I think the last 2 were the most active of my entire week. I don’t know. I’m frustrated, irritated and the whole nine yards because I’m unable to get this pain under control.
Yesterday while out the pain level spiked. It was just at the end of a meal with a friend when I told her I had to get up and walk this off. We were going to a store close to us anyway so I walked and met her there. It helped, maybe not physically but mentally it helped. I just couldn’t sit there anymore and feel that level of pain.
On the same lunch and around town visit my friend and I stopped at Goodwill where I tried on ugly glasses. There’s no shot of me in the ‘Mary Kay pink’ cowboy hat.
The only reason I’m going to therapy tomorrow is because its the healthy thing to do. I don’t want to go. I don’t even want a phone session, but for my so-called long term health I need to get outside, breathe some fresh air and not isolate. Sometimes I’d rather be alone. I just want to be alone but right now alone may not be the best long-term idea. Man I hate that. The pain is right now ya know, but I still have to think about keeping my spirits up and my body nurtured so that it can keep going. In order to do that I have to think ahead, make sure I’m doing the right things so that I can … keep going.
I’ve been painting to keep my mind off the pain. The other day I just kept painting and painting. I focused on the paper because staying in my body was too much.
I think what’s fueling me right now is that I’m pissed! I’m pissed because this has been going on way too long….and I’m not getting this pain under control. I may need to ask myself a few questions about stressors that may be exacerbating the Lupus and Fibro flare. What can I do to make it easier on my body and mind during this time? I guess one thing I can think of is that I’m finally settled into my new home. I’ve had the honeymoon period, the lull and all that, is this the tank I was to expect?
Dr. D and I discussed how it’s sometimes difficult to distinguish between the pain of abuse and the pain of Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I suppose there is a clear difference in the pain: at some point my mother stopped.
It’s 7:06pm. I’m 6 min past my medication alarm and 2 hours past the insurance company’s business hours. No word.
This little boy came from under sheets of concrete with thankful arms up. I look forward to my emergence.
fma
Rheumy apointment for me tomorrow. I don’t even want to go. I want to stay in bed. Not only is the pain hitting (oh about an 8 now) my fatigue is through the roof. I did my interview, went to lunch because I have to eat, came home and crashed. I need to vacuum and mop so bad. Yesterday I got the kitty area vacuumed. No mopping. I was changing the litter (pissed b/c my store stopped carrying the litter I used and this stuff is utter crap).
It is an insane life…. all the activity we MUST do despite being in pain.
I’m happy I don’t have children. If I had a family to look after I’d be screwed and they’d be even more screwed. I’m at least grateful that my personal responsibilities are few. If they weren’t I’d be even worse.
You manage children. Kids have a high pitched squeal and are little touch-machines. Because they like us and have bonded with us they invade personal space. While in pain I need my personal space. That’s a whole different entry though. Anyway, kids tap to get your attention which for me would hurt like a mo-fo. I do not envy you or any other teacher or parent with Fibromyalgia. Not at all.
Faith