Tad Bit on Edge

…. and moody…. and evil !!!

For the last hour I’ve been hearing something I couldn’t identify. I wanted to scream, “Stop it! Just stop it!” It’s not even that loud its just that I didn’t know what it was and it was interrupting my idea of safety and security. My head started playing tricks on me. Am I really hearing this, is someone screwing around with me? It took awhile before I realized the sound was coming from downstairs. The guy downstairs keeps his heat set to Armageddon which in a way is good but in another it drives me batty because sometimes his heating system starts to thump. I suppose you can’t keep it that high all the time without some maintenance issues. His excess heat keeps my bill about $20 cheaper than many in my building. Thanks excessive heat guy.

The cat has this rather irritating meow… well, it’s irritating when I’m on edge, other times I don’t care. Today she was doing that meowing thing and it drove me nuts. I wanted to yell at her, “Shut up. Just shut up. Please.” It’s a good thing she’s got 3 other people picking her up and holding her and stuff cause right now I’m not. I don’t want to be touched, including by the cat. Until I’m emotionally able to provide for her she does at least have John, Missy and RW.

It was a beautiful day outside but an ugly one inside my head. I got a shower, made it to therapy and ate a meal. I should call today a success but I don’t. I call it a waste of time and another source of irritation. I’m flat out evil today. Well, actually it was yesterday and this morning cause its almost 5am. I’m still putting off sleep. Dr. D asked why I do this. Dude, come on… Shut up. Just shut up…………..

I feel : panicked, angry, fearful, worried, guilty, abandoned, regretful, vulnerable,

Friend: I told him no.  I told him I’m not going to his families house because I don’t know them. He told me I was being difficult. Whatever. I told him he would be taking me to a place I don’t know with people I don’t know. My only source of transportation would be through him. I told him that’s a lot of trust that I can’t really give right now.  To him I was being difficult and impossible. To me I was being careful. He’s a buddy friend, period. I don’t know him that well and I don’t know his family at all. No, I won’t go over there for a few hours and help your cousin with a few things. Difficult, impossible. Okay…. but decidedly against that meet and greet.

Therapy: For some reason I’ve been feeling abandoned on Wednesday’s after therapy. It’s like he’s gone and isn’t coming back or something. He says he has a hard time telling the difference between me and Joan, most people do…. did…. until I said something extremely inappropriate then they knew it was me and not her.

Pain levels: I’ve had almost no pain in my shoulder today which is odd because that’s the one area that has been unbearable. It would almost feel better to put a knife through it than to let it get that bad again. When I’m in pain I tend to exaggerate, elongate and twist the legs and arms in my artwork. I draw nearly the same twisted body all the time. The only thing different about this is the tiny lettering in red by the legs which says, “There’s always hope.”

I woke up today and felt pretty good but the day went down hill after therapy. I hate myself today. Tomorrow has to be better. Surely it’ll be better…