What About Us?

I wonder if she ever stopped to ask what would happen if things didn’t go as planned. What would happen if when I attempt suicide death isn’t immediate? Will I linger, and for how long? That’s the question she should have asked herself. And how will my father feel about making the decision to take my shell of a body off life support? How will that change him, to pull the plug on his daughter?

It has been said that she is at peace and is no longer suffering, but what about the mess she left behind? What about her family, friends and acquaintances? Does she not … did she not understand that her life wasn’t 100% her own? It wasn’t hers to snuff out that way. She may have thought it was her life to do with as she pleases but she was wrong. She had others to consider. She had children, friends and family. Her life wasn’t just her own.

Suicide isn’t a personal choice, it effects everyone around the person who does this. It changes people. It confused people and scares them. Her suicide personally touched the ambulance people that came to get her, the doctors that attempted to save her, the family that watched over her and her father who made the impossible decision to take her off life support. The doctors and her family witnessed her body shut down, swell up and then get eaten by gangrene. Did she once consider that these things might happen if she fucked up the suicide, or was she under the belief that she’d go to sleep peacefully and never wake up? That’s how they show it in the movies. The movies don’t show a 41 year old body swelled 2x its normal size being eaten by gangrene. They don’t show that part.

I am sad for her, over her and for everyone involved in this. I’m also angry, afraid, hurt, grieved, betrayed and abandoned. My head swirls with emotion, my heart pounds in fury.  I go back and forth between understanding why she did what she did to being hurt over it.  In the end I sit in shock feeling robbed. It feels as if my heart has been raped and like I’ve been beaten like a dog then left in the street as trash. Is this why suicide is against the law in the United States? Perhaps the law is set up not for the one who is suicidal but for the protection of those who are left behind.

I know these things are not politically correct to say, but perhaps being politically correct about suicide is a luxury only afforded those  on the outside of  the  situation.

She is no longer hurting and is ‘in a better place’ as they say, but what about the family she abandoned? What about friends? Are we in a better place with her death hanging so heavily on our hearts?

What about us?


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