In therapy Tuesday Dr. D and I again discussed the suicide of this friend. I told him I’ve come to the conclusion that she died of mental illness. She may have had wounds so profound that they resulted in her death. Its easier to take when I think of it that way.
I still don’t want to believe this. I still want someone to tell me this is a bad joke.
There is guilt. There’s stuff I wish I hadn’t said that I can never, ever apologize for. Hell, what I said was justified but damn, I don’t want them to be the last words ever heard from me ya know? I guess we don’t get to choose our last moments with a person. We don’t ever know if our last sentence to another will be cutting ones until it happens and we can’t change it.
I feel guilty for so many things. Dr. D said we will talk about that in the therapy session tomorrow. He said there’s a reality check I need. I told him that 90% of me says this act is her own and that she had troubles way before she met me. Ten percent says, damn Faith, you killed that girl. You fucking killed that girl. If this, this and this hadn’t happened she may still be alive. If, if, if, maybe…….. you should have, you could have, why didn’t you?
I told him that when the ten percent begins to badger me I still have the 90% to push it back. We’ll talk more tomorrow.
I’ve actually finished a painting. I’m calling it Crossings. It’s not just about death but about life choices and reaching the other side of our choices successfully. It’s about not alienating ourselves or putting rifts so large we can’t repair them. The painting is about turning our backs on life’s waters (making bad decisions) but also moving forward, connecting. It’s about walking in the dark but not walking alone.