In today’s therapy session we talked about the drama that goes on around this apartment complex. Dr. D asked if I like some of it. I said yes because its a distraction and sometimes a welcome one. Sometimes my brain tortures the hell out of me making almost any distraction welcome.
We talked about how I use art and the fish as a healthy distraction but that I also get involved in situations I know will result in drama. He asked what happened to all my sane friends. I asked him to be a little more specific. Can you recall a name of one of my sane friends? I can’t.
We then moved into the conversation about feeling different and unable to sustain healthy relationships in person. I can hold a friendship over the net but I destroy friendships of people I meet in person. I don’t know the rules to every day life. I don’t know what to do, what to say or where I fit in. I don’t have to create drama, that’s for sure, but there is plenty that I feed into. Heck, I live with my cat and fish but that gets hard for me sometimes, heck yeah I mess up my human connections.
I don’t trust. I don’t know what people want. I want to run from them but everything in me says, Faith, you can’t do that, you’re supposed to run towards them not away. Fuck!!!!!!! Argh!!!!
I’m used to pain. I hate the pain of Lupus and Fibromyalgia but when it comes to cutting, burning and other pain I seek it out. I wonder if there are other people with a chronic illness that are masochists, or is this self injury issue one related to the abuse?
My response to everyday stresses are odd. If a person is overwhelmed after work they might go for a jog, I want to be beaten. If I watch a funny movie you can guarantee that I’ll be overwhelmed by the emotion and need to cut to ease the pain of laughter. One tiny emotion (or spark) and it feels like everything is going to go up in flames. It’s intense, always intense.
I feel so intensely sometimes that it feels as if I’ll combust.
The weight of silence makes my head feel as if it’ll explode.
In addition to not being able to manage basic emotions there’s the difficulty of feeling the need to destroy myself.
He noted that I didn’t draw during the session today. I brought my markers as well as some gel pins. I had all three books plus pencils but they stayed in the bag.
There’s such fucking guilt, so much fucking guilt.
it’s an interesting question you pose…. chronically ill being masochists… i think in a small sense maybe it’s true for many… for example, is it masochistic (self-sabotage) to not participate in a treatment plan that has a high probability of making life easier/better? or not doing everything that can be done to become healthier in some ways – diet, exercise, quitting smokes, drinking-? is it self-sabotage to stop taking medications? it’s not the same as cutting or burning by any means… but is it considered self-harm? maybe… i don’t know…
you have me thinking about many things today with this post.
i went through a period of hurting myself when i was younger. high school through my early 20′s. i was seeking attention. i wasn’t physically abused but my mind was broken. my family broke my mind. i hated them for years. sometimes i still do. i guess mostly deep down i still do. i don’t trust them. i love them. and i hate them. my life, although better now, is not what i wanted or imagined for myself.
fitting in… not something i’ve ever done. i, too, don’t know what people want or expect from me and i have destroyed most personal relationships. i have no close friends, with the exception of my husband. but that took a lot of work, and it still does. it probably always will. some mornings i look at him and am filled with such love, but at the same time think of running away.
i love silence though. love it. long for it. seek it out.
You write this like it could come from my own hands. Sherri’s comment resonated too. I’m having trouble staying med compliant right now. I don’t have anyone to answer to every Monday. I’m back in the mindset that I deserve to hurt. I know the fibro has gone on for years, part of that time I cut. Part of it was to take those overwhelming emotions and make them real. But looking back, part of it was to take all the pain in my body and put it in one place. I don’t know if it makes sense.
I don’t know. Those are the only words that come to me these days. I try to blog and am stumped.
But looking back, part of it was to take all the pain in my body and put it in one place. I don’t know if it makes sense.
Yes it does. It gives me a sense of having some sort of control of things. What you said makes total sense.
I have a problem being med complaint. I always have because it feels so much like a reminder that I’m broken. . . or a reminder that I was hurt and need something to help me still. I hate medication, even when its for the Lupus and Fibro I still resent taking it.