In today’s therapy session we talked about the drama that goes on around this apartment complex. Dr. D asked if I like some of it. I said yes because its a distraction and sometimes a welcome one. Sometimes my brain tortures the hell out of me making almost any distraction welcome.
We talked about how I use art and the fish as a healthy distraction but that I also get involved in situations I know will result in drama. He asked what happened to all my sane friends. I asked him to be a little more specific. Can you recall a name of one of my sane friends? I can’t.
We then moved into the conversation about feeling different and unable to sustain healthy relationships in person. I can hold a friendship over the net but I destroy friendships of people I meet in person. I don’t know the rules to every day life. I don’t know what to do, what to say or where I fit in. I don’t have to create drama, that’s for sure, but there is plenty that I feed into. Heck, I live with my cat and fish but that gets hard for me sometimes, heck yeah I mess up my human connections.
I don’t trust. I don’t know what people want. I want to run from them but everything in me says, Faith, you can’t do that, you’re supposed to run towards them not away. Fuck!!!!!!! Argh!!!!
I’m used to pain. I hate the pain of Lupus and Fibromyalgia but when it comes to cutting, burning and other pain I seek it out. I wonder if there are other people with a chronic illness that are masochists, or is this self injury issue one related to the abuse?
My response to everyday stresses are odd. If a person is overwhelmed after work they might go for a jog, I want to be beaten. If I watch a funny movie you can guarantee that I’ll be overwhelmed by the emotion and need to cut to ease the pain of laughter. One tiny emotion (or spark) and it feels like everything is going to go up in flames. It’s intense, always intense.
I feel so intensely sometimes that it feels as if I’ll combust.
The weight of silence makes my head feel as if it’ll explode.
In addition to not being able to manage basic emotions there’s the difficulty of feeling the need to destroy myself.
He noted that I didn’t draw during the session today. I brought my markers as well as some gel pins. I had all three books plus pencils but they stayed in the bag.
There’s such fucking guilt, so much fucking guilt.