There’s been a lot more anxiety than usual. There are several things going on and I think I’ve lost the ability to separate them. I think my feelings are muddled and in a bubbling pool of ….. It’s hard to distinguish one feeling from another at this point. I just call it anxiety.
Dr. D has commented several times on my acts of self soothing (rocking back and forth) but I don’t have an answer for him as to why. I can’t pull one single issue out of the fog and say, this is what’s wrong.
I’ve felt worse emotions than this jumbled mess, its just right now the churning in my stomach feels relentless.
I’ve got several new paintings that are strokes from being finished yet I can’t seem to complete them. I’ve got 4 new dolls stitches from being done but they are left on the shelf.
I’m anxious, angry and lack focus. I’m depressed.
I want a permission slip to stay for another year. There are things here I can’t live with long term, big things, but I really need another year without moving around. Emotionally and physically, I need another year. Maybe that’s part of what’s wrong. I’m not sure I can do another move so soon and I feel rather pressured to do it.
My feelings might change if a certain apartment application comes through. I found the cutest 2 bedroom apartment with a little yard sort of thing. It’s totally electric, has 1.5 restrooms and is about 1000 sq feet. It has great windows too. Instead of just having a washer and dryer hook up they’ve got the washer and dryer in the unit. It’s one of those apartment size stackable units which is just fine for me. I’d pay about $10 more for a two bedroom than I do for a one bedroom here. If I’m accepted for that apartment I’ll suck it up and move, but for an average apartment I think waiting another year is best for me emotionally. I’ll know in about a week or so if I get the 2 bedroom. If I get it I’ll move during one of the hottest months of the year. The good thing is, I’ve got plenty of help this time. I had help last time but it was only one person and I felt I’d burdened him. At least this time I’ll have tons of help curtsy of the congregation whose restroom I threw up in.
Settling is not on my list of things to do, but neither is staying here. I may need some time though.
After writing a little bit I think I pulled one issue from the fog and identified it.
fma
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