Suicide and Guilt 2

I’m sad, angry and confused. I struggle with this huge feeling of loss and wonder why on earth I feel this devastated still when the girl was nothing but trouble to me. She was triggering for me yet I was drawn to her.

This particular person was all over the map. I didn’t know ‘who’ she’d be from one day to the next. Sometimes she was clingy, other times desperate and yet domineering. She was one of the most selfish and immoral people I’ve ever known which is why I was sleeping with her. I was with her because she was so bad for me. That is a simple truth. We were not a couple, not even close. I was just another notch in her belt which I was fine with.

Her suicide has touched something so deep in me that its hard to explain. I fear losing everything. I want to hold on to the tiniest little thing for fear of never seeing it again.

Do not leave. Don’t forget me.

I all but want to beg her to come back. A person who angered me to no end I’d beg to come back.

I’ve always said that if a person commits suicide I won’t go to the funeral. I didn’t go to hers but I should have. I feel bad that I didn’t go.  If I went to her grave site all I’d do is cry. I’d want to lash out but all I’d do is cry because I’m really sorry she’s dead. I’d thought about going but not right now.

Destiny

Suicide and Guilt 2 – Tuesday, June 12, 2012-3:21am EST