I feel as if I’ve given twenty years to anger. Don’t get me wrong, my anger is justified it’s just that at some point it changed from justifiable to all consuming. It is that all-consuming anger that I want to move away from. I feel like I served a twenty year prison sentence where the bars were stark, black, cold anger. I don’t want to spin my wheels thinking about how much punishment my mother deserves to suffer. I don’t want to actively search for a way for it to be known that she did me wrong in a profound way. I just want to LIVE the way I should have been able to.
I understand that it takes time to grow up and move forward. I understand that the last twenty years are typical of a survivor but I hope above everything that I’ll be able to take the difficult path of self forgiveness and leave all-consuming anger behind.
I don’t know if I’ll explain this very well but, I have this thought about justice for crimes against me. If I were to dole out punishment, at what point would I be satisfied? What would it take for me to say, justice has been served, I can move forward. I’m hurt and being so it means I’m going to want to hurt her. I may want to dose up some punishment that isn’t the most humane or …Christian. I know this is natural but it’s not right. I think for my part I’ve come to be happy it’s not up to me to punish my mother. It frees my hands and mind to do other things like grow past her.
One of the biggest steps I need to take to grow past the abuse is to forgive my past. I have done everything in my power to destroy myself. I have cut and sliced my skin, knowingly pressed my mind beyond what it could bare and I’ve denied myself happiness for no reason other than to make sure I felt pain. I’ve destroyed my body, tried to take my own life and generally made poor decisions in the name of self destruction. Can I forgive myself for that and move forward? Will I let self anger and guilt take up another twenty years?
It is time to relieve myself of the burden of self doom and walk out of this angry prison. It’s been twenty years, twenty long years. Anger is exhausting and it’s a time thief. I spent the first half of my life surviving my mother. I don’t want the rest of my life to be about surviving myself. It would truly be an injustice, a travesty to allow the rest of my existence to be eaten up by acts of self destruction. For this reason, self forgiveness is necessary.
I will not post it, but, a long time ago I wrote an apology letter to myself. I think I may need to do another private letter expressing apologies and the need for self forgiveness. I’ll offer self reconciliation if at all possible.
Self Forgiveness and All Consuming Anger – Thursday, June 21, 2012-10:19pm EST