I needed to see my mother. I needed to know what she looks like now as opposed to what she looked like back then. Today I looked at someone who is sick emotionally and physically.
When we talked she asked why I was using the cane. I told her it was because of the Lupus and Fibromyalgia. She said I don’t have those things. I asked her if she remembered all the times I went to the hospital as a child for pain in my knees and about how I had the club foot and surgery. She looked at me with a look I know and said, “Have you been talking to Dr. ???? I think she said Wilson. I said I wasn’t sure who that was. She said he’s a psychiatrist, the kind of thing you’re into. I told her I didn’t know him and asked why. She said Dr. Wilson and my sister are trying to make people think she’s crazy. In the course of an hour she asked three times if I know this Dr. Wilson. I have no clue who he is.
Today my mother told me I should move back home and save money and live with her and my sister. She said we could all do well together. I told her the reason I came over to talk to her was to tell her I’m okay. She asked if we were going to get reconnected. I told her no.
In an hour long conversation I learned something about my mother that I never realized. I may not have understood because of all that was going on, but I understand now because I saw it in her eyes today, clearly. MY MOTHER IS MENTALLY ILL. I’ve called her sadistic and crazy. I’ve looked in her eyes and seen an animal, a sadist, a maniac and a demon. I think fear and a history of reasons to be afraid prevented me from seeing mental illness because I couldn’t get past the devil in her. She’s had 20 more years to go untreated for a clear mental health issue which means she is very far gone. What I saw today was the pain of a paranoid person who believes people are out to get her. This is my mother, after all these years she’s still worried that I and others are in the background somewhere manipulating events to ruin, expose and humiliate her.