Several years ago I said I wasn’t sorry that my mother grew up the way she did. I said that I’m not sorry her family hurt her but I’m sorry she chose to hurt me. I’d like to change my view a bit.
I’m sorry that my great-grandmother abused my grandmother. I’m sorry that my grandmother frightened and harmed my mother. I’m sorry that my mother had to grow up with a dominating mother and a weak father. I’m sorry that the line she was born into was so harsh and cold.
Dr. D asked if it was helpful to see her. It was. It was helpful because
- It let me see that despite what I felt, she’s mortal. She is not immune to time and age.
- It gave me an updated picture of her. All I could see was this huge, horrible person I have nightmares about.
- It answered questions like, “Did I possibly leave anything at all behind? Is there anything minute that could grow between us?
- Seeing her let me know that I haven’t wasted my time in therapy. I was able to put a lot in perspective.
- Seeing her validates 100% that I made the right decision to divorce myself from her.
- I can stand in front of my mother as an adult and not feel weak.
One of the things that struck me about our 25 min conversation was that she asked me if I was going around telling “old friends” that she hurt me. I told her I hadn’t seen old family friends in quite some time and that I have no reason on earth to bring it up to them. She asked if I knew some doctor and if I’d been talking to him. Basically she wanted to know who I’d been talking to. When she asked me this several times it reminded me of my poem Your Secret.
I voluntarily hugged my mother twice and told her I love her. We just stood there crying and hugging. I think my tears were tears of relief. I can look at her and not want to kill her. There’s not so much hate in my heart that I’d spend another twenty years trying to heal it. I think my tears were a mix of a million emotions with relief as a big part of it.
Right now I feel okay about the meeting, earlier I was anxious but so far I haven’t had major flashbacks or anything. There’s been emotional exhaustion for sure but so far no fall out. I intend to do a lot of self care to support health during this time.