No Brave Face

I went to the hospital because I have a blood clot in both legs which we think happened when I rode down to Ohio, sat through the convention all day then rode back home. That’s the theory about when it became an issue.

When I realized I had a blood clot I packed a few items for the hospital then did something my friend said it totally crazy. I straightened up my living room just a little bit. I’m not the first nor will I be the last to tidy up before an ambulance arrives.

Anyway, I got there and did all their tests. I knew what to expect but I’m a bit emotionally tired right now. I just saw my mother in the flesh AND I’m in a Fibromyalgia flare up. I’m a tad bit emotionally tired and not in any mood to be poked, put in this and that machine or touched at will 24/7. I told the doctor it was time for me to go home. I told the doctor to figure out how to make sure I could go home TODAY because as I said to him, I WILL walk out of this hospital. I WON’T even attempt to tolerate being here any longer. I’m done with being a brave patient this time.

Of course I got a good long lecture about how dangerous this is, then he left. When he left I got up, put my clothes on,  made the bed and packed my things. I sat in the chair and read for a little bit. The doctor came back in and to tell me the dangers of walking out.  I told him I’m done and ready to go home. I can’t take the noise level or the constant activity. My first roommate talked to me non-stop, the second one blasted the TV while talking on the phone then you guys came in to talk to me and had to talk over all that noise. I told them, I can’t do this. I can’t do the noise level nor can I be touched day and night. I told him that I had a blood clot issue back in 2003 and that I know how to give myself the shot in my stomach twice daily. I know how to get myself to and from the clinic to have my blood drawn. I am able to follow instructions to the letter as long as you write them down.

When I told him I was able to do this on my own and that I’d done it before he went over to the little records computer and pulled up my info. They’d done that several times, they verified what I said by checking my records on that machine. I was shocked / impressed at how much is on there and how quickly they retrieved it. After reading that I’ve successfully managed the shots and meds as well as been compliant with blood draws he said he’d do his best to get me home. It took a long time but I did get released.

So, I’m here and I’m doing my two shots a day and eating and taking care of myself but I am not a happy camper. I’m tired, angry, tearful, exhausted and being a big baby about things. This time there is no brave face to put on. I have no humor to offer. The only thing I can give is a big middle finger to the entire ordeal. I’m tired and angry, that sums it up.

In the back of my head I’m thinking, how will I do a two day train trip? That makes me want to cry even more. Are the doctors going to tell me I can’t travel right now?

I feel emotionally crushed. I’m going to need time to rebuild.