What I want is to grab hold of cast iron railing embedded in concrete and shake it loose. I want to scream and growl! FUUCCKKKKK! I want to kick over brick filled metal trash cans and scream. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Sometimes I look at this and think, you knew so why would you be so angry about it? ….. cause I didn’t think it would happen to me. I actually thought, what could hurt worse or be more physically devastating than growing up with my mother and her family? In the back of my head I believed, I may have Lupus and Fibromyalgia but it’s other people who get really sick from it, not me. Perhaps I’ll be like my grandfather and beat the odds on most anything… once. As a child, he lived when 8 out of 10 of his brothers and sisters starved to death right next to their parents. He survived being set on fire from the waste down. It took 9 strokes to knock him out. After surviving so much I figured I’d be like him. I wonder if he was scared.
I am sooooo pissed about this! I am so pissed and yet part of me too says, I do not want to survive this. The Lupus is really bad and this is going to keep happening and I have NO CONTROL over it.
When I went to the hospital the first time over this I felt different emotionally. I felt pissed about this. I said I wasn’t going to play brave or put on a smile during all this cause I knew when they put me in that bed that emotionally I was devastated and felt sorry for myself that this would happen now…………..
Today they taught me how to do the stairs differently and how to walk properly with a cane. I was also shown what it means to elevate my feet above my heart. There’s a simple rule for how to elevate your feet above your heart; make sure the pillows under your feet are stacked higher than the pillows under your head.
I’ll reluctantly eat a meal daily and take meds and, and, and………………..(rolls eyes).
I still have moments where I catch a glimpse of that girl with strength.