Snuggling in hell with pie

Yesterday the lady showed up around 1pm to give me an echo-cardiogram right dead smack in the middle of my living room. I mean to tell you, in home health care has changed. It’s changed a lot. They don’t just show up for a hour then go home, nope, its in and out all day with my phone ringing the entire time letting me know who will be here next. They’re here nearly all day long 5 days a week.

One thing I’ve noticed is that some of the professional edge is lost when they come to your home. This is good in some ways, not so good in other ways. My doctor and nurse are spot on in professionalism, so far… but the nurses aide, the x-ray people and the physical therapist have a few rough edges. Yesterday when the x-ray person came she showed up with a large black bag, big enough to hide a body in (my body). She asked my name, age and weight. I told her. She said, you don’t look 40 years old followed by WOW, you don’t look like you weight that! I said, and I don’t look 5’4 either I suppose? She said no, not really, more like 5’6. I said thank you. I look younger, thinner, taller. I can’t complain about that.

The next thing she did is what has sparked this entry. She stood up, turned her back towards me, dug in the body bag and said, “Take your shirt and bra off, lay on the sofa.” She said it just like that, “Take your shirt and bra off, lay on the sofa.” I said, “I don’t even get dinner?” She said, “We’ll snuggle after.”

My physical therapist is showing me how to walk up the stairs with this bad leg and is showing me how to use the cane properly. She has a “simple” way of how to remember which leg to start off with when going up or down. She said the best way to remember which leg to use is with a heaven and hell analogy. When going up the stairs start off with the good leg, “the good go to heaven.” Take each step one by one. The good go to heaven. When going down stairs use the bad leg first, “the bad go to hell.” It would have been so simple for her to say ‘when going up the stairs use the good leg, when going down start off with the bad leg and go one step at a time.’ Why do I need to descend to hell?

Today a guy came to drop of medical supplies to me, one of which is a cane. He was hilarious. I talked to him on the phone and told him that he need not show up if the walking cane is ugly. He said, well, “I assure you its esthetically pleasing”. I laughed. He said, “If its not, you can hit me over the head with it.” I said, “Well, my physical therapist says I have no upper body strength. Beating you with the cane counts as exercise.” When he got here I was satisfied with all the equipment, including the cane so no harm came to him. I should have offered to snuggle for threatening to beat him.

On his way out the door he said he has a health conference to go to but first he wanted to stop off for a slice of pie. Here’s the thing, you can’t come to my house talkin’ ’bout pie and expect everything to be okay. Now I have to make a peach cobbler….. or buy one. I think I’ll buy one, forget making it. Heck, I have staff. I think I might ask them to take some cash and bring back a pie.