My physical therapist took me out for a walk the other day. For the first time I realized just how long my street is. It’s long and has a lot of over hanging trees. As I walked I thought to myself, I could walk forever. I wish I could keep walking and never look behind me.
I used to do that kind of running away when I was younger. I’d run as fast as I could across a field, up a hill to the tracks then I ran down the railroad tracks until I was too tired to run any more. After that I sat on the tracks exhausted. I never looked back at the house, never looked behind me to see how far I’d come. I just sat there…………
I’m aware that when I want to pick up and leave that there’s an issue or two. I see my need to run as a symptom, a red flag telling me to be careful right now because I’m raw.
I can’t leave what I want to leave behind.
Sometimes there are flashes of anger that cripple me, other times depression binds up my head and heart until all I want to do is fall to my knees, grit my teeth, hold my belly and rock back and forth. Please stop. My mind hurts and I need it to stop.