Betty and I took the paper work to the correct office which happened to be in a spot where I used to live. I walked down memory lane looking at places I used to go. They were happy memories for the most part. I can’t say I was troubled until we reached the building where I was to drop off the paper work. This complex where family services now sits is the same complex I went to as a child when I had numerous vaginal infections. It is the same complex where I had my first full pap smear at age nine. When I realized where I was I felt sick to my stomach but quickly gathered myself and focused on why I was there and who I was with. I have to admit, the sting of being there dissipated quickly. Don’t get me wrong, there was a sting. I could see myself laying there, could see my mother above me. The whole visual was there for just a second but reality was there as well. I’m an adult. I’m safe and if anyone hurts me like that again I can say so. Knowing I had a full pap smear at age 9 and why hurts the heart deeply but I didn’t plan on staying in that hurt too long. It was validated and then I came up for air.
I may have pushed things just a tiny bit because I decided that the place to eat for lunch should be MCL Cafeteria which is a place my mother ran into the ground. There were some issues surrounding food and MCL but for some reason I just wanted to go there. Heck, I don’t even think their food is that good but after the banking experience and going to that old doctors office I just NEEDED to go to MCL too, the very one she and I last visited together. So I got in there and it looked exactly the same. I smiled. I walked the long line to the service area and ordered chicken, mac and cheese and their great pie. I’ve only had this pie at MCL. Its as if they threw all their left over fruit pie fillings and some extra crust into a pie crust then put whipped cream on top. It’s the best stuff ever. I sat down to eat my mediocre meal and wonderful dessert with a good friend. We discussed all sorts of things including golf. I purposely left a bit of food on my plate. I purposely wasted just a tiny bit of it. I guess it was my way of coming full circle with today’s experience.
You know what? I’m pleased that I’m not destroyed by walking along that old burial ground of memories. Some memories were like dry bones. I looked at them and felt nothing. Other memories were more more like bruises, others like wounds but over all I felt okay about being there. I’m happy Betty was with me. It is friends like her that make living each day a little easier.
Further thoughts: 8:06pm EST I grieve her. I am saddened by stepping into that office area. I’m trying to figure out if this is anger or sadness. I suppose its both. My plan for making it through the night is to listen to an audio book, drink some chamomile tea, take a clonapin and go to bed early. I have physical therapy tomorrow and I see my therapist. This morning I contacted the new medical company that’s to come out here.
I wonder sometimes if any of this is even believable. There’s one more thing. At the food stamp office that was talking to my friend Betty about her conditions. She said the name of her doctor and my mouth fell open. I thought, is this happening? Am I crazy or is ‘someone’ trying to drive me crazy cause this woman just said her doctor is the very doctor that quit the practice and moved on. She’s the one that came to my house, offered hope and moved to a different area. The last name isn’t common. I asked about race and gender. Its the same doctor. I have to wonder, am I going to be driven crazy over this? Was it not enough that I found myself in that office? Did I need for that woman to sit down and talk to Betty about her life story then mention her wonderful doctor? Now that, of all things, brings tears to my eyes. From the bank to the same place I went when I was 9 to hearing this woman has that doctor. Its too much for one day and I have to wonder just how much one mind can take?
Tonight, as soon as I log off, I’ll brew some tea, turn on my audio book and go to sleep. I’ll start fresh tomorrow with the full knowledge that i’ll be worth it for me to start again.