I’ve done a good bit of messing things up lately. I didn’t think I had any appointments this week but it turned out I did. I realized how poorly I’ve explained things and how some stuff has been left out and a bunch of stuff clumped together. I’ve been anxious about attempting to explain things and have come to the conclusion that I don’t think I can. I don’t know, try getting a half way decent conversation out of me in person too, its not good. I’d just rather be quiet.

The in home staff, as I said, will be back full swing mid January. I hope that the new home health aide (who is one of my best friends) will be able to help me get a better handle on things and a better understanding of things.

The psych side of things is, I feel I’ve lost my mind in the last year and figure I won’t be getting it back any time soon. I’ve simply lost my mind.

I think a year ago or so I started off with two hospitalizations for high pain and elevated symptoms from there things have just been insane. I’m not doing well with it emotionally. There are huge, huge changes that feel so heavy I can’t put them into words. I have never in my life felt so tired.

This is seriously out of the blue here but, I personally don’t like the medicinal marijuana because it means we hear each other more. I can hear the other personalities louder, clearer and for longer periods of time. This would be okay if it weren’t for the screaming, begging, chatting about nothing and then the total and complete ignorance of one.

The new home health person will help me remember to take meds. I don’t remember to do it. I’ll mess it up in a heart beat. I know I said this in some other post. I’ll have my local pharmacy deliver the meds prepacked for each dose. For the next 6 months they’ll be packed and delivered this way. This adds an extra cost to me but I think its worth it.

I’ve got a new cab company. This company comes to my door to help me down the stairs and into the cab. They’ll help me into the doctors office. The first day the driver showed up he did something my other driver never did, he wore pants instead of pajama bottoms.

I’ll need to get a few more of the black compression socks.

My phone died. I’ll need to go get another one soon. I’m one of the last people on earth to have a land line. This bad boy is so old that it has the answering machine on it and no speaker phone. It was old and time for it to be put in recycle bin heaven. For the moment I’m using my ‘Obama phone’ until I get out to the store. Forget that, I’ll buy it online. I’m not going anywhere.

The podiatrist mailed me my shoe insert which I’ve been wearing. I think it helps. He said he’d been looking a doctor to mold inserts to my foot and make them specifically for me but it seems my insurance will not pay for it. He said they’d be about $400 each. I’m not sure what income bracket he thinks I’m in but…… I’m okay with generic one size fits most or memory foam. Can we go that route? I know I saw some of this stuff at Dollar Tree, my second home. Why not start there?

I guess that’s it for right now. It’s another jumbled post. You know what?  I need to stop that. This blog has been written for me for so long, why start now trying to get every single detail just right? Man the pressure in my head to get everything right about this and in order is from me and is worrisome.  Maybe I could remember my off-ness isn’t widely seen. Because of a step I took a few months back, readership is at an all time low. I took this blog out of the major search engines. Doing so means the search engines don’t get regular updates of my entries which means people won’t be directed here as much, which means readership and visibility is low. I did this purposely. I wanted this blog to go off line awhile back but couldn’t get it to work that way. Part of me thought too, you’ll regret removing this blog. A few months down the line I may feel better and regret removing the blog. I wish I could for tel it. I also wish I would stop switching so much and that things on here were more consistent. I feel all over the place.

I’ll be online some but blogging may or may not be on my list of priorities. It’s hard to tell if I’m emotionally up to it I will if I’m not then I won’t. I say emotionally because that seems to be what has been hit hardest right now.

I’ll be on Etsy, Facebook and Flickr liking stuff and of course I’ll be on YouTube watching all the fish videos I can.


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