I talked to Missy about how she felt the interview went with the nurse that was here on Tuesday morning. I asked if she felt uncomfortable with some of what was said. I went through the whole thing about how I felt as noted in my entry. The Average Hollywood View of DID. Missy said she did not get the same impression that I got.
This is where trust comes in. I know my head isn’t right. I know my thinking is off. I have to trust that what I experienced may not be accurate and that my friend of 5 years is telling me the truth that the nurse wasn’t being a (insert harsh words here.).
There comes a time when I have to hand over trust to friends to tell me what is reality and what just fear spinning in fear. In my head things happened exactly as I stated them and Missy agreed that those things were said BUT she also explained what was meant by them. Missy believes the nurse could offer long term staff to help me stay at home. It won’t be that nurse but a nurses aide and eventually Missy herself.
The question about being in a facility, as Missy explained, was for background information. That question put fear in my heart and I responded in a fearful way. Missy said the question was not intended to imply that I needed to go to the hospital and stay. The nurse needed background information. What I heard was, we’re going to put you away because you have DID.
Still in my head I fear that meeting, but at this point I have to let it go because all its going to do is spin and get tangled up. I have to let it go or there will be no room for emotional healing at this time.
I kid you not when I say I’m lost. It’ll take good and patient friends to survive me during this maze of madness. Sometimes there are moments of clarity but for the most part I’m walking blind while holding tightly to the shoulders of friends.
That’s a painting for sure. A person walking through the darkness being led by a friend.
How many times can I say I’m afraid and have it mean the same as before, have it felt with the same impact? I’m not sure but, I’m afraid.