I talked to Dr.D on the phone before my session with the psych nurse. We talked about feeling uneasy yet not showing it. We talked about cutting, about feeling significantly depressed and not showing it. We talked about general fear, a lot of anxiety and increased pain with the change in medications.
It’s a win lose situation all around. I take their muscle relaxers, their spasm meds and end up feeling and walking like I’m drunk. I cut back on it and my pain level shoots up.
I talked to Dr. D about feeling significantly depressed and overly anxious. I’m angry. I don’t want to do these treatments which has shown in the fact that 10 daily doses of meds were missed. I wasn’t chewed out about it, just asked if I understand the importance of taking them all, correctly. I do, but this is called give up or wondering if all this crap is worth it. I can’t help but remember the other day when dignity was so far gone from me I couldn’t’ see it anymore. This is not dignified. I feel as if I’ve traded dignity and self respect for a pain free life that keeps me stuck in the house or stumbling around like a drunk who can’t control her urine. This is wrong and I hate every, single part of it so yeah, I’ve skipped important meds. I’ve sabotaged my treatment because I just don’t want it. Part of me thinks, these treatments are only for a little while but another part remembers just how horrific the other day was and never, ever wants to repeat it. Humiliation was my middle name that day.
I am confused, angry, tired and I just don’t want to do this. I’m tired. I told Dr. D that despite my cheerful speech on the phone please hear me when I tell you I’ll laugh with you, joke with you and all that but, I’m tired and I want to stop this madness. To stop is essentially suicide. I know that. To miss treatments and mess up my blood and stuff so badly is essentially suicide. How do I balance it all out? How do I manage it in my head and make it worth it even for a little while?
It all seems so big and so much to take in. I have a large support system but I still feel alone on an island in the middle of an ocean of insanity. I just….I’m tired.