Push

I said something Betty thought she’d never hear me say. I said I was done with the fish tanks and didn’t want to mess with them anymore.

Depression is high.

There is a young girl from the fish club that will come over and with me she and I will manage the tanks. I knew her before the fish club and trust her to help out from time to time.

I am depressed and sometimes suicidal. I’m angry and feel like I’ve lost myself. Just a little while longer and I’ll feel better…….. just a little while longer and this depression may lift enough for me to enjoy what I used to enjoy. Right now existing and everything involved in it is simply a chore that I complete with resentment.

Last night I had a dream that Sia was violently killed by Pete. He tore her up terribly. Her intestines were hanging out of her mouth. She was floating with one arm gone, just floating. I talk about Sia a lot because I think she’s beautiful and I’m attached to her. Yup, I’m attached to a frog and yet I want to pull back from her because I fear losing her.

I’ll tell ya this, when that psych nurse crossed the line like she did I wanted to get rid of all the things I love the most. I wanted to take a hammer and bash all the tanks to tiny bits. I wanted to give Mary Jane away. I wanted to get rid of everything I love before it was taken.

I was already on the edge. I didn’t need Nurse Borderline there ready to assist with pushing me over it.

All the frogs are fine, the tanks are fine and I’ve got support to help me eventually be better. I will not ask for good. I ask for better and eventually for manageable.