Third Time’s a Charm

I’ve been back on Zoloft for about a week or so now. They’ve upped the dosage to 100 mg once per day. I take it at night. It hasn’t interrupted my sleep.

I met the new nursing staff today. I think of the schedule and how many people will file in and out of here and all I want to do is barricade myself in the house and never answer the door again. The best thing to do is think of one appointment at a time, one visit at a time.  I can’t think of this down the road. I can’t look at this from a distance because it seems too much, too big and for too long.

One thing I’m going to remember to do is keep my home my own. When a person comes here two things stand out: fish and art…well, and plants but the plants go along with the fish room. Anyway, there is no TV set. There are no family photos. I feel like it’s the opposite of normal. When I began to worry about what the new staff would think I stopped myself. This is my home and my home is set up according to my understanding of normal. It is arranged to fit my comfort needs and there is no explanation required for that.

I have the same doctors and the same medical nurse but the support staff and the psych staff are new. I will be renewed as well. I want to make sure that this third time around I am clearer on what is needed from them and I am firm on not changing my home for others. There will be comments like, “There’s no TV? No radio? OMG I’d die.” I’ll not take it to heart. I won’t hear it as them telling me I need to be ‘normal’ and get those things. I’ll let it be just another comment that goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve learned a few things with support staff here, the first is to remember that this is my home, the second is that they can be replaced in a heartbeat and that I do not have to take crap or feel guilty for reporting their crap. Third time’s a charm.

Sometimes all I want is for someone to sit with me through the pain. Sometimes it hits so hard and so fast, like I’ve been hit by a train and knocked off my feet. I’m down for days at a time. I can take a 20 min stroll outside then come home and sleep for 3 hours as if I’d run miles or something. Then other times I can do the basics and be just fine. I never really know. Not knowing what my body is going to do angers me.

I am worried, overwhelmed, in need of the support staff and angry about it. I’m relieved that I’m not doing medical or psych care in the hospital but rather in the relative comfort of my own home.

I’ll end with that. I’m happy I don’t have to be in the hospital or run back and forth to the hospital for psych or medical stuff. I go see my therapist but other doctors come here.

Destiny

2 thoughts on “Third Time’s a Charm

  1. Sherri

    i lived for years and years with no tv and no telephone. those were the most peaceful years. people gave me a bad time and said they could never live like that. in my mind, it meant that they couldn’t live with themselves unless they had some type of distraction. television is a distraction. and so is the phone. i always felt like a better person for not having those intrusions into my little world.

    the other thing that sticks out is this…. what is “normal”? please. there is no such thing. we all have our own tastes, characteristics, quirks, blessings, talents, and so on. your home, what i’ve seen in photos, is beautiful and looks like a very peaceful sanctuary.

    i often think when people are fascinated or make comments without thinking, well, for me it is a sign of envy…

  2. Austin Post author

    One nurse said, I think this is neat but I’d never want this in my house.

    While discussing not having a TV, another lady told broke into a story about taking care of an elderly woman. She told the woman if she dropped her remote then she’d hurry in to pick it up for her because she knows how important TV is.

    I think some people speak without thinking and others take the differences of others personally. I think it feels like a criticism *from* me, like some judgement that I live without a TV while others don’t. Actually, the TV is pulled out, dusted off and set up when Survivor comes on each season. :-) After that it’s put away. But anyway,
    ……….it feels like a criticism when people point out the differences in my home. They used to use the word eccentric, which I find offensive. One person flat out said between the art and the fish, my house makes me look Schizophrenic. He’s a jackass and was dismissed as such.

    Pointing out differences, even if meant to be a compliment, can sometimes feel like a criticism. In some ways I’m a bit sensitive to this because I already feel so different from others.

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