Awake long enough to go back to sleep

I went to the post office today and ran to the store. I was gone for a total of 2 hours, maybe two hours. I came back home and slept as if I’d been out running around all day. I came home, I think around 4 or 5. I can’t remember now but I slept until 12:50 midnight. I just took evening meds so I’ll be back to sleep in no time.

I have to say that my pain level right now is manageable. For the last few days it’s been manageable. They increased meds, changed one, added one. I was offered those dang addictive meds which I promptly turned down. I reminded the doctor that MMJ will keep me out of rehab. Oxycontin is a guaranteed addiction resulting in criminal activity and rehab. No thank you.

I’m on an anti-depressant now which has helped the tearfulness. I think I’ve been on it a month now. I’m up to 100 mg of Zoloft. I like that med. It’s worked well for me in the past. I do well with it.

You know, I said I was angry about always being in pain and about the side effects of Baclofen. My pain level has dropped for a few days but the anger is still there, just about something different now. I feel like I’m sleeping away my life. I slept through two phone calls today. I never heard the phone. One call was from my therapist another from a good friend. I was dead asleep. I wanted to talk to them both. Thursday I was to go to services but slept right through it. I was so disappointed because my pain level was so that I could have sat without too much difficulty. Nope. I was asleep, again.

It’s 1:30 am. I’m awake but I’ve taken one last dose of meds which will knock me out cold. I feel like I’ve traded pain for excessive sleep and incontinence. My insurance may pick up the bill for Pose pads but it was suggested that I try depends. No. No. No. ‘But you’ll be more comfortable and wont’ change your clothes as much.” No I won’t be more comfortable. I’ll be more humiliated. I really just can’t do that. I can’t take that step.

I got my blood results back and it’s not good. We can’t seem to get my blood to do right.

Okay well, I’ve said all I can say. I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I’m going to have a warm cup of tea and try to stay up for about an hour. I’m going to set my alarm clock to be up by 9 am. I can’t sleep through my life. Despite treatments I just don’t  want to sleep my life away. I feel as if I’m complaining. At first it was the pain now its that I can’t wake up and I’m always cold and always hungry.  It is what it is right? At the end of 6 months treatment I should be better. That is my hope. I just need to be better, ya know and have some sense of normalcy…the kind of normalcy I know.

Destiny

One thought on “Awake long enough to go back to sleep

  1. Sherri

    I’m so glad to hear your pain level is manageable now… that is a huge thing. AS for the sleepiness, I suspect that will get better. Your body has been on this painful adventure and hasn’t rested much in a long time. So, now that the pain level is better, your body is probably demanding some recovery down time. I’ll bet that soon you will be back to more regular sleep patterns (notice I didn’t say normal haha) so you will be awake more with less pain… hang in there my friend… hang in!

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