I went to the post office today and ran to the store. I was gone for a total of 2 hours, maybe two hours. I came back home and slept as if I’d been out running around all day. I came home, I think around 4 or 5. I can’t remember now but I slept until 12:50 midnight. I just took evening meds so I’ll be back to sleep in no time.
I have to say that my pain level right now is manageable. For the last few days it’s been manageable. They increased meds, changed one, added one. I was offered those dang addictive meds which I promptly turned down. I reminded the doctor that MMJ will keep me out of rehab. Oxycontin is a guaranteed addiction resulting in criminal activity and rehab. No thank you.
I’m on an anti-depressant now which has helped the tearfulness. I think I’ve been on it a month now. I’m up to 100 mg of Zoloft. I like that med. It’s worked well for me in the past. I do well with it.
You know, I said I was angry about always being in pain and about the side effects of Baclofen. My pain level has dropped for a few days but the anger is still there, just about something different now. I feel like I’m sleeping away my life. I slept through two phone calls today. I never heard the phone. One call was from my therapist another from a good friend. I was dead asleep. I wanted to talk to them both. Thursday I was to go to services but slept right through it. I was so disappointed because my pain level was so that I could have sat without too much difficulty. Nope. I was asleep, again.
It’s 1:30 am. I’m awake but I’ve taken one last dose of meds which will knock me out cold. I feel like I’ve traded pain for excessive sleep and incontinence. My insurance may pick up the bill for Pose pads but it was suggested that I try depends. No. No. No. ‘But you’ll be more comfortable and wont’ change your clothes as much.” No I won’t be more comfortable. I’ll be more humiliated. I really just can’t do that. I can’t take that step.
I got my blood results back and it’s not good. We can’t seem to get my blood to do right.
Okay well, I’ve said all I can say. I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I’m going to have a warm cup of tea and try to stay up for about an hour. I’m going to set my alarm clock to be up by 9 am. I can’t sleep through my life. Despite treatments I just don’t want to sleep my life away. I feel as if I’m complaining. At first it was the pain now its that I can’t wake up and I’m always cold and always hungry. It is what it is right? At the end of 6 months treatment I should be better. That is my hope. I just need to be better, ya know and have some sense of normalcy…the kind of normalcy I know.