One: I want to numb it and I want to run and shake my head back and forth. I want to shake it off, make it not matter, make myself not care. I’ll figure out a place to put it and simply let it go.
Two: Next month a friend has said she and I will get together for lunch. This is the same friend who cancels the day of arrangements with some huge emergency She says she can get together the next day and we’ll do something even better. I get together with her the next day filled with resentment. Last time when she canceled I refused her next day plan. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I let myself get all excited. I wanted it to happen. This time she called me for the plans but I do not see this lunch coming to fruition. I will not get my hopes up. I will not let it hurt. I know the chance is slim that she will come through so there is no need to get my hopes up, no need to look forward to it.
The Matter: It hurts when you talk it up to your friends because you’re so excited. In both cases I was like, oh this is going to be great. WOW, can you believe I’m going to get to do this, blah, blah, blah….. then wham! It makes me wonder why I even let myself get excited. After writing that sentence I think to myself…..because the news was good, because that was your true response, because its how you felt. When you get excited you call friends and you share the good news. Almost like a little kid I get on the phone and start telling people, girl guess what so-and-so and I are going to do? We’re going to get together at my house and have a girl day. It’s going to be great.
Girl, guess what? You’re not going to believe what I’m getting. That’ll be great. I’ll be able to do this, and this and this. It’s going to be great.
It is not foolish to hope, to trust or to want. It’s not foolish unless that one person has time and again proven themselves to be cause unnecessary pain by getting your hopes up. It’s not foolish unless that same person has misused your trust and left you wanting.
One: Disappointment hurts even when its not on purpose.
Two: Disappointment changes into anger and resentment when its done repeatedly by the same person. It’s flat out offensive to get a call inviting me to something that will get cancelled.
The resolution: I’ll eventually come to terms with number one. Number two is so much more complicated. This person will not change so I will have to make some changes in how I deal with them or if I deal with them at all.