This is an inner conversation where I was trying to process a situation. This has nothing to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder, its a typical inner conversation where I’m processing an emotional occurrence. The situation processed is about watching a friend and knowing full well its best to just shut my mouth and not offer any kind of advice or insight. I need to separate myself from this particular issue, not the friendship but this particular issue.
Voice of Reason, Me = Vicky
Emotionally Charged Me = Tony
Tony- biting nails, scowling, brows deep maybe in anger, frustration mixed with a hundred other things. A hundred why’s, a hundred kinds of concern, a hundred kinds of ‘what are you doing’ kind of questions.
Vicky: This isn’t yours, you know that right?
Tony: (still biting her nails) – Yeah. I know.
Vicky: So you’re going to let it go, not get too wrapped up in it?
Tony: It’s doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.
Vicky: It isn’t yours. Just because you think you see it clearly doesn’t mean you have to ‘help her see it clearly’. You have no control over this situation and it doesn’t belong to you to ‘help her see’ anything.
Tony: But it’s not right. (biting nails, frustrated, pacing, mind racing.) I just want to scream, shake her.
Vicky: And again Tony, I have to remind you that this…is…not…yours. Let it go.
Tony: How? I just want to just…..argh!
Vicky: By understanding that you cannot, must not put your opinion in a place where it does not belong. A voice used when it is not helpful can be harmful. You need to shut up and let.. this.. go. There is nothing you can say or do that you should say or do. Let it play out, let it go.
Tony: Yeah, but it makes my head hurt. It hurts so far down in my belly that I can’t stand it. Its gut wrenching to watch her spin. And watching it, I have this urge to be tactlessly truthful.
Vicky: You’re only tactlessly truthful in a relationship where there is undercurrent.
Tony: (nothing)
Vicky: Did you hear me about the undercurrent, the unresolved hurt and or frustration that fuels tactless truths?
Tony: Yes, I heard you. But it still all makes my head hurt and it makes me want to just….grrrrrr.
Vicky: Good Lord you’re stubborn. What are YOU going to do, not what do you hope she does but what are YOU going to do?
Tony: (reluctantly, but with truth) Let it go. Let her do what she’s going to do.
Vicky: (deep sigh) Yup.
Vicky: It hurts?
Tony: Yup.
I have these types of conversations with myself frequently.
It’s hard to let things go sometimes, especially when they concern someone close. I had a friend of 20+ years who walked away from me when I found out I was ill. I called her the day I was dx’d because I needed a friend. About 5 minutes into the conversation she said she had to go but would call me back later that day. I didn’t hear from her for about a year.
She ripped my heart out.
When I did hear from her, it wasn’t because she missed our friendship but because her daughter had been dx’d with MS as well. She was looking for information and comfort. I was hard pressed to give the comfort. Of course, I answered her questions.
And I haven’t heard from her since then.
I had false hope that she was back.
She ripped my heart out again.
You’re telling her devastating news but 5 min in she’s gotta go? Ok then……I think I would have stood looking at the phone like, what just happened here? Then for a year to go by with nothing was surely excruciating. I can see why you answered her questions. And I KNOW what it feels like to hope and not see it come through. The stuff I talked about in an earlier entry doesn’t come close to the hope you’re talking about, but I know from different things that hope stepped on hurts.
The situation processed above is about watching a friend and knowing full well its best to just shut my mouth and not offer any kind of advice or insight. I need to separate myself from this particular issue, not the friendship but this particular issue.