The last few days have been horrible for pain. At this point its nothing short of torture.
At one point I thought, why is my body attacking me, but that belief needs to be corrected. A more accurate questions is: Why is my body being attacked? My body isn’t attacking me, my body is being attacked by two illnesses.
My body and I are going through this together. It feels every single pain and strain I do. My body has nothing against me. It’s not punishing me, not angry with me, not attacking me. My body is going through every single step of this fight with me. It’s tired. I’m tired.
Saturday I was having my shoulders taped down so that the muscle can’t bind up as much. We did a few strips of tape but it hurt so badly to be touched that I was shaking. I was afraid of the pain. I knew the pain caused by being touched and taped would eventually cease and the taping would help but I still had to endure the pain. It was like holding my hand out so a doctor could slam it with a hammer. You’re holding your hand there, the anticipation is enough to make you vomit, the pain does, then the tears come…and even more tears cause you just can’t keep going at this rate. Then on to the next shoulder. I couldn’t tell if I was sobbing because of the pain or because I’m exhausted by the emotional trauma caused by Lupus and Fibromyalgia.
In the last few days I’ve better understood self medicating with alcohol or other drugs. When you’ve got to make the pain stop some way some how you’ll do anything including turning to alcohol, cocaine or any other drug you can get your hands on. There is a desperation to make this stop because if it doesn’t it’ll break your mind. Anticipating the pain then finally feeling it full throttle can be emotionally crippling. This is mental and physical torture. When it gets as bad as its been in the last few days I think to myself, there’s no way out. I can’t do this. I really can’t hurt like this all the time where I’m throwing up because the pain is so bad and doubled over sobbing because the pain is so bad. I can’t keep doing this…. I can’t be expected to hold on or be strong. The pain will mess with your mind, it’ll make you forget all you have, all you want and need. Because at the time the only thing in your world is pain that’s breaking you. I am lost to it, consumed by it, eaten alive by it and I wonder why … how…I’m supposed to keep this up? Out of nowhere I get a break in the pain. I go from level 9 and 10 pain to a manageable level seven. I’m grateful for a level 7 pain, at least that allows me to SEE options and SEE a way through. The highest levels of pain rob me of sight and hope. I have to be verbally reminded that it’ll end, it’ll pass and I’ll SEE again.
We’ve added one extra med and increased two. I never wanted to take a handful of pills 4 times a day. I’ve always thought that taking a bunch of meds is detrimental to health. I don’t trust the meds. I don’t know exactly what they’re doing to my body and I don’t trust them. I take them but I don’t trust them.
It is discouraging and exhausting but I still keep looking for hope. I’m not waiting for it to show up, I’m looking for it.