The last few days have been horrible for pain. At this point its nothing short of torture.
At one point I thought, why is my body attacking me, but that belief needs to be corrected. A more accurate questions is: Why is my body being attacked? My body isn’t attacking me, my body is being attacked by two illnesses.
My body and I are going through this together. It feels every single pain and strain I do. My body has nothing against me. It’s not punishing me, not angry with me, not attacking me. My body is going through every single step of this fight with me. It’s tired. I’m tired.
Saturday I was having my shoulders taped down so that the muscle can’t bind up as much. We did a few strips of tape but it hurt so badly to be touched that I was shaking. I was afraid of the pain. I knew the pain caused by being touched and taped would eventually cease and the taping would help but I still had to endure the pain. It was like holding my hand out so a doctor could slam it with a hammer. You’re holding your hand there, the anticipation is enough to make you vomit, the pain does, then the tears come…and even more tears cause you just can’t keep going at this rate. Then on to the next shoulder. I couldn’t tell if I was sobbing because of the pain or because I’m exhausted by the emotional trauma caused by Lupus and Fibromyalgia.
In the last few days I’ve better understood self medicating with alcohol or other drugs. When you’ve got to make the pain stop some way some how you’ll do anything including turning to alcohol, cocaine or any other drug you can get your hands on. There is a desperation to make this stop because if it doesn’t it’ll break your mind. Anticipating the pain then finally feeling it full throttle can be emotionally crippling. This is mental and physical torture. When it gets as bad as its been in the last few days I think to myself, there’s no way out. I can’t do this. I really can’t hurt like this all the time where I’m throwing up because the pain is so bad and doubled over sobbing because the pain is so bad. I can’t keep doing this…. I can’t be expected to hold on or be strong. The pain will mess with your mind, it’ll make you forget all you have, all you want and need. Because at the time the only thing in your world is pain that’s breaking you. I am lost to it, consumed by it, eaten alive by it and I wonder why … how…I’m supposed to keep this up? Out of nowhere I get a break in the pain. I go from level 9 and 10 pain to a manageable level seven. I’m grateful for a level 7 pain, at least that allows me to SEE options and SEE a way through. The highest levels of pain rob me of sight and hope. I have to be verbally reminded that it’ll end, it’ll pass and I’ll SEE again.
We’ve added one extra med and increased two. I never wanted to take a handful of pills 4 times a day. I’ve always thought that taking a bunch of meds is detrimental to health. I don’t trust the meds. I don’t know exactly what they’re doing to my body and I don’t trust them. I take them but I don’t trust them.
It is discouraging and exhausting but I still keep looking for hope. I’m not waiting for it to show up, I’m looking for it.
Faith
I am so sorry you are having so much incredibly horrible pain. I know pain can make everything seem out of control, bleak, and as if it will never end. I suppose for many, it doesn’t end.
I pray that you will get some relief. Is the taping helping? I’ve read that it has some great benefits in pain management.
Like you, I try to avoid taking a lot of meds. However, when the pain is so out of control, I say you should take them! You can stop when the pain is more manageable… there is no reason anyone should be at this level of pain… no reason at all.
Yes, taping is helpful.
I called in today to my doctor and told her that there’s no reason for me to be in this kind of pain for this long and that the request for Tramadol is a reasonable one. I asked for two weeks worth with no refills. I said, this is a reasonable request. At first the woman gave me Tylenol. Yeah, Tylenol at 1000 mg three times a day. It’s a joke. I told the nurse that its like giving someone with open heart surgery Tylenol and telling them to push through the pain. My request is reasonable. I’ll hear back from them later today. Never before have I asked for narcotics, not ever. This is reasonable I told them, to not grant it is to let me hurt unnecessarily.
The woman said the reason she wouldn’t write a script for Tramadol is because I use medicinal marijuana. I said to here, if I had some I wouldn’t ask for anything addictive. She said marijuana is an opiate and she can’t give me two opiates to take at the same time because I’ll overdose. The secretary was telling me this and I blurted out, she’s an idiot. Everyone knows MMJ is not an opiate. She said, well maybe that’s not the word she used. I said, she’s the first doctor in a very long time who has had an issue with me using the MMJ and the first to ever call it an opiate. I said, if I had MMJ I wouldn’t be asking for anything. I’d use that to get relief, but I don’t have any. She’s a moron, a total moron!
I’ve got a bottle of vodka that i need to put under the sink before anyone gets here today. it’s for the fish. the use of vodka for treating fish is not unheard of but the last thing i want is for them to come in here and I’ve got a 5th sitting out. this is insane. she’s not my regular doctor. I need to see why I’ve got her when my regular doctor is someone else. I am so thrown!!!!!
My physical therapist will be here momentarily. I need to finish my tea….which has nothing in it but tea. I wonder if she wants a blood draw. Who is this woman and how dare she treat me like an addict? I’m trying to avoid being an addict which is why I’ve not asked for narcotics and why I’m against them. But the pain is too much to endure right now with nothing.
Oh my word. People have such a discriminatory viewpoint of MMJ much of the time. If you look at the research, as well as user forums, there are thousands of people taking Tramadol with MMJ and finding good relief. The only real issue is sleepiness and decreased respirations in some long term Tramadol users.
I don’t understand doctors who will not consider any alternative treatments in an effort to find relief for their patients. That she would let you suffer instead of allowing you to try something is crazy. If she doesn’t want to give you 2 weeks then why not just 3 days… enough to see if it works and make sure there’s no problem. But of course, if you have no MMJ then it should be a nonissue either way.
The doctor approved a script for Tramadol. I asked for a 2 week supply with no refills. She gave me 50mg twice a day for 30 days, no refills. I’m grateful but annoyed, however, I don’t have enough energy to hold on to the annoyance so grateful wins out. I’ll take the meds, eat something and go to bed. Later this evening I have to start packing again. This is coming along very slowly but surely.