I came home from my therapist’s office hoping to see a message from the doctor approving my request but there was no message. It seems cruel to deny it. The doctor that denied my request isn’t my regular doctor. I need to contact my regular person. What I have asked is reasonable. To leave me this way is unreasonable.
Dr. D and I discussed how some of the alters are unable to distinguish this pain from the pain of abuse. Pain is pain. What we feel right now forces dissociation. Maybe it doesn’t force it but I notice that I’m running in my head, looking for a place to hide. That only makes sense to a multiple I suppose but that’s what I’m doing, I’m deep in my head looking for a place to hide from the torture of living.Some of the alter’s think the physical therapist is hurting us on purpose. The routine, though helpful in the long run is excruciating. Some of the alters are unable to distinguish the past from the present so they believe the nurses are purposely hurting us too. The friend that taped us, it was hard to distinguish the past from the present. We had to remind ourselves that she was helping us not trying to hurt us. She didn’t enjoy our reaction. We actually had to tell ourselves that, remind ourselves that in 2013 we don’t have people in our lives that enjoy torturing us. I do not have people in my life that enjoy torturing me.
Tomorrow is physical therapy again. I have it twice per week here at home. The other PT, the woman that used to come here, was helpful but this one is bound and determined to make me physically stronger so that my legs can hold me again and my arms will work the way they should. He said some clients will try to do more than they can handle in order to please the therapist. He said I don’t have to try to impress or please him. I said, ‘you don’t have to worry about that’. As I lifted my leg in exercise I said to him, ‘my physical therapy is about me. I have no desire to impress or please you.’ He had no response but he looked at me like, “Okay then!”
Some of the comfort I’ve received has come from my feline friend Mary Jane. She’s stayed very close to me the last few days. She’s slept on my chest and beside me for the last few days. Her companionship is appreciated. Her presence is likened to the dog I used to have named Captain Crunch. The boy was awesome when it came to emotional support. If ever there was a feline version of Captain Crunch its my girl Mary Jane. She’s a treasure. I’ll have to remember I said that the next time she gets on my nerves.