Keeping Records. Pain. Humility

When I blog regularly I keep up with what I’ve been doing and with dates and times. It’s also easier to track changes in my art therapy when I post it. I’ve not been blogging. I’ve not written down anything having to do with what I’ve done or who I’ve been with or anything. One thing I do know is that my home has been rearranged twice without my knowledge.

I start to blog but then I can’t get my words to come out. They are jumbled and unclear.

What I feel is tired and discouraged. I think I’ve made that point clear. What I feel is physical pain that doubles me over and causes me to vomit. What I feel is fear that another attack like I had is looming. It makes moments of tolerable pain less of a relief because I’m thinking about the pain that’s hovering behind me. It’s like I can see it over my shoulder, waiting to attack. I’m tired of the pain. I am so tired of hitting level 9 and 10 for days in a row. My body and I did not sign up for this.

I got my vaporizer for the MMJ. It is quite effective. I know two people who use a vaporizer and they said that there’s something missing. There’s a feeling, an experience that isn’t there. It’s only something a smoker would notice but I agree, a smoker or ex-smoker will notice the ‘something’ that is missing while using the vape. Even so, I’m satisfied with it because it works.

I’ve sold a few pieces of art in the last few days. Both buyers touched me deeply with their words about the art. I found out that Gentle Peace is going to a nursing home for a woman’s mother. Do you know how touching that is to know that something I created is going in a room to comfort someone? I love that. The second piece is called Emerson and touched a woman deeply. I won’t go into that but I was in awe as she related how she felt about the piece. I absolutely love it when my art goes from just paint on paper to really meaning something to a person. I just love that. So, in the midst of all this junk going on, I’m thankful and pleased to know that my art has touched people.

I need to make sure I blog something regularly so that I know what’s going on with me and can track changes in mood. Back when Joan integrated I was able to read 6 months worth of entries to see what the heck was going on with me. If I don’t keep writing I’ll miss the chance to later read and make sense of what’s going on right now. I want to keep specific info about the medical condition with tests and such to a minimum because my understanding of it is not clear. My head does not belong to me. In the past year my brain has tried to process this, my alters have tried to process this and understand what we’re being told, but we dissociate and things get messed up. I don’t know what day it is. I can’t hold in my head the most simple instructions. They have to be written down or the instructions just sort of hang in the air then poof, they’re gone. I feel … not stupid….but slow. I can work do certain thing without any difficulty at all but it seems once I leave those tasks I lose my ability to focus and understand clearly what I’m being asked to do.

It’s been a long, long time, so long. I feel aged by 10 years or so. I also feel humbled. A chronic condition will humble even the most prideful man. It drives home for me that I am human. That answers the question of ‘why me’. The why is because I’m human and equal to everyone else. Being equal means I can achieve what others have achieved and I can fall ill the same as others have fallen ill. I’m human. I’m not exempt from good or bad. So that’s the answer to ‘why me’. I’m equal to every other human being on the face of the earth.

That’s all for now.


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