I feel peace, stress, comfort and pain

Sometimes I feel encouraged, other times I feel like this is a losing battle.

Sometimes I feel crippling sadness. I’ve felt confused and out of it, anguished and tortured emotionally.

I’ve felt joy as three toddlers ran around my house. The mother brought her little ones over as well as Mikey’s girlfriend Mini. Mini is a 5 pound Chihuahua who is as cute as she can be. The neighbor and her munchkin clan only stay for about 30 min, but its such a joy to see them.

I’ve felt soothed, satisfied, hungry, tired after a good day, at peace standing under a tree feeling the breeze. I’ve felt at peace and rejuvenated as I walked the dog past red rose, flowering trees and bushes with a scent I’ve never smelled before.

I start therapy again on Monday. I look forward to seeing him. Sometimes it’s a hardship to get there but he’s a staple in my path to emotional healing. He’s been good for me overall.

I’m enjoying my study with Jehovah’s Witnesses very much. I’ve heard a lot of it before but this time I’m hearing it without the burden of abuse or the challenges of youth. It’s refreshing and I’m happy they come here once a week. I knew adding them in to the schedule would be a challenge but its one I’m willing to meet. It’s heartwarming, the things I’m learning.

I need to remember I feel more than pain. But I still need to talk about it because it has a strong presence in my life. After physical therapy my body hurts so badly the next morning that I wake up thinking I’ll never make it through the day. I feel..I believe that we are making progress on my back but it hurts so much. Why must we hurt to feel better?

I burned my back while icing. I’ve got a nice size frost bite on my back because I couldn’t feel the burn/pain until after the damage was done.

I feel this Coumadin dosage is threatening my health. I’ll speak to the Oncologist about it July 1st when I see him. In a year no one has checked my liver functions or anything like that. Despite my request for it, there has been no check to see what affects these dosages are having on my body or what possible damage there could be from yo-yo-ing in levels from 1.1/11.4 to 5.3/52.9. How long do they expect me to allow the same treatment, which isn’t working?

The Blue Rush CNA issue. I feel intimidated by talking to the main supervisor about Blue Rush. I talked to Nurse Ratchet III about it and she’d like me to talk to a bigger supervisor about it. I said yes but ya know, I’ve given enough information to NR3 and I don’t want to talk to the other person. Blue Rush is a poor employee, period. Let me refer back to the entry about why patients don’t report employees that are negligent in their service. It can get messy. I need services, not this! I can tell NR3 again if needed but please let me stop there. When stuff goes big time wrong it almost feels better to just suck it up and keep the person because there is such fear of how messy stuff can get. 

The point of this entry is to record that I feel more than pain and exhaustion. Pain can consume a person, before they know it the pain has made them bitter and hard to live with. I NEED to remember the rest of my life and remember that I do have a life outside of illness. So I’ll keep listing what hurts because for some reason it just helps to say, ‘it hurts’. But I’ll also keep listing what makes me happy and what experiences I’ve had during the week that were nice, encouraging or soothing. It’s important that I remember I have more than pain.


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