The vBlog entry talks about how I feel about knowing my mother has dementia. Again in the video I’m rocking, that’s going to be a standard I’m sure. In the video I was trying to think of a TV show with a man who had dementia but I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name. The name is Without a Trace.
When I thought more about my mother’s condition and realized that things will only get worse I thought to myself, I should go and help out. I should move in and help my sister and whatever staff they have. That thought is unreasonable. It crossed my mind though. I just want …… to take it from her. The divorce from my family stands as is. It is final. There’s no going back there.
How could this hurt so much when I know what she is? It doesn’t matter what my explanation is. I feel what I feel and right now its great sadness and fear of the unknown.
I’m taking it a bit hard.
I’m okay with her forgetting. She’s never admitted it anyway so ya know, what’s changed? I’m worried she’ll be afraid because that’s what I saw on TV. I know fear and I know what it feels like to be trapped in your mind. I do not want her to feel that.
I was painfully honest when I said that maybe with her memory gone she won’t know me and won’t look at me with disdain. Maybe I could go from being the daughter of disappointment to being a stranger she’d smile at warmly.
UPDATE: Yup, I’m still awake. I read a few things on the Mayo Clinic website and will continue to do so in small doses.