Relationships: Right now most of them are in tact, well, all but one is doing just fine. Of course I worry about wearing my friends out with my physical and emotional needs but they are true and WANT to help. I was told that they like to feel useful. I appreciate them and they know it. Betty and her sister Snow tell me that if I need anything to let them know. I don’t like to ask for things but from time to time there is a need that requires their attention.
I hate asking for things.
Betty and Snow know I’m suicidal. They know the seriousness of that and don’t take it lightly. They have been of great support as have others from the congregation. I though I might call one of the elders and talk to him for further support. I just can’t shake the feeling of being done.
At the pain specialist’s office the staff came out to the waiting room and said, “I’m looking for the mother of Faith Austin.” Betty stood up and said, “That’s me.” Later they came out and said, “I’m looking for the family of Faith Austin.” Snow and Betty said, “That’s us.” I have a family! I really do.
Tonight she talked to me about a few people in the Bible that had it as hard if not harder than me. She said to look them up and see how they were able to endure their situation. She wasn’t minimizing my situation, she wanted me to look up others who felt like they were in rough seas and about to drown. She wanted me to look and see how they expressed their grief, how human they were in their responses to tragic events. She wanted me to see them as human and be able to relate to their tears and their hardships as well as their ability to see it to its natural conclusion.
The apostle Paul. The prophet Jeremiah, Jonah, Moses, on and on these people had hardships above and beyond normal and they responded in human ways. She reminded me that even Job begged Jehovah to let him die, to relieve him of his physical pain, let him die. She was telling me that I am not alone and that what I feel is valid, overwhelming and most of all survivable with help.
I have asked for it.