Sundrip Journals in general contain raw and honest records of life as a survivor. This in NOT and “adult” site as to sexual content, but the subject matters range from light to very heavy and may contain strong and/or offensive language. The art site does not but some art may be inappropriate for some viewers. For these reasons minors should not read any blogs authored by Austin of Sundrip Journals. (Personal photos are at the bottom of the page.)
I’m an African-American female living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I’m a survivor.
Life with Multiple Personality Disorder, Lupus and Fibromyalgia
What is Sundrip? Sundrip is hope that drips from the sun.
Take the breath of the morning sun and run. Take the fire of the morning sun and live. Dance with it. Laugh with it. Accept the hope that the new sun brings and never forget the blessings that drip ever so lightly.
The sunrise is a blessing of hope. When the sun comes up I have another chance to make this life work. It’s like a new day brings new hope and maybe, just maybe I’ll find a way to make this life worth working for. I can’t say I’m hopeless because as long as the sun rises I have another chance to put my own errors behind me and make my own choices as to how I want to live. It’s like climbing up hill all day and then you reach the top and look back to see all that you’ve climbed above and all that you’ve overcome. Then you meet the sun as it clips the horizon, and you know for sure that you’ve been given a second and a third and a hundredth chance to be human with all its positives and negatives.
Perhaps my thoughts of what the sun brings are a bit more complicated than others. But if you think about it, our lives depend on the sun working properly and rising and setting on time. Nope, I don’t worship the sun by any means. But I appreciate what it represents. The rainbow is a documented promise from our Almighty. Without the sun we’d have no rainbow. I see the two promises hand in hand. If I’m wrong about the sun being a good source of hope then please don’t tell me.
If this hope is meaningless to others as well as harmless, then please keep me in the dark.
This is the dark that I want out of:
I would like a good night of sleep with no nightmares, no fear of what my brain is going to drag up when I’m in a vulnerable state. I want to eat without worrying about deserving to eat. I want to take a step towards no longer needing to cut on myself. I want to leave the house and not worry about who I might run into.
This is part of the path out of the dark:
Journaling, artwork, connecting, expressing through connection. The main place I do all this in in my journals. This journal is a life record, a record of growth, of standing still, of crying, laughing and complaining. As you know nothing at all in life is 100% good or bad. So when you read you’ll find a bit of everything, humor and anger, fear, bravery and even some idle chatter.
I journal because I need someone other than myself to know that I survived. There are many things to work through and for me, journaling is the best way to do it. In the beginning the journal was put on the net so that my therapist and other care team members could keep track of my progress and my back steps. Things have change since that very first entry a few years back. I never dreamed these journals would mean this much to me or that putting it on the net would make such a positive impact on my recovery. It has though and man was it a pleasant surprise. If it means that I’m bragging that I survived then so be it. There are times when a silent victory is acceptable, this is not one of those times.
I need to be remembered for more than the girl that was born into pain. So I write it all down. I write it in details that many others would never consider writing let alone posting on the internet. So you could say that the journals have a two fold purpose, to let others know I survived and to make sure that I keep on surviving.
Who is Morton’s Pride?
The group of alter personalities created to protect the first-born is called Morton’s Pride.
Morton’s Pride is made up of all big cats. Unlike those in the wild, the tigers get along with the lions and the cubs are never in danger when there is rough play. No hyenas allowed!
Morton is the main protector of this group. He protects the pride with his life, as any good king would. He, unlike a real lion, has a gentle and humorous side. Samantha is six years old and is the pride cub. Morton and Sam are inseparable. If Sam comes out Morton is sure to follow and visa versa. The Matriarch in the pride is named Joan of Arc, not to be mistaken for the French Joan of Arc. Joan of the Matriarch is how Joan got her name. Joan is the strongest of the female pride members. She is second in command and is usually the personality that deals with outside people. Her main job is to deal with outside stressors such as talking to people, grocery shopping, working and other daily activities. For more on the chain of command and rank please see the entry called Rank, Reason and Morton’s Pride.
Morton is a 35 year old white male and is First in command in the Pride. Morton gets his name from the word mortal, meaning capable of death. In this case he is willing to protect the pride in the same deadly manner as an actual lion would while protecting his Pride. He is usually very level headed though he uses the “f” word quite a bit. I would say that Morton is not consumed with anger though if provoked he will respond accordingly. He gets a worse rap than he should. He is a planner and one who thinks things through. He leads well but he also has a humility about him that shocks those who just expect him to be a son of a bitch. Morton finalizes all major decisions at all times. Although he is First in Command he is not dictatorial and does not abuse his authority. Morton’s has a Pride Cub that is favored above the rest but even her voice is equal to that of every one else. She is the Pride Cub for a reason. Morton will only speak to you when he feels it is necessary. Most of the time it will be through a letter and will not be in the form of hate mail or threats against your physical safety.
Joan of Arc
The name Joan of Arc has nothing to do with the historical person. Joan is the Matriarch of The Pride and that’s where she gets her name. Joan is 28. She is pretty energetic. She once had very few boundaries as far as letting people know too many personal things about her and the group. This has changed over the years. Joan has a good since of humor. She has been accused of not having a heart and not feeling anything. She was said to have the worth of platinum and the strength of the sun but the depth of a penny. However, she does feel, and deeply so. Joan of Arc is the front for Morton’s Pride. At this point she is questioning her sexuality and while trying to decide she is not sexually active. She is still manic at times but not as often as before. She has J-lyn looking after her so that when she starts to get too manic J-lyn can help her see that her behavior needs to be modified. Joan is our front-runner. She still handles the everyday tasks and dealing with people outside of our inside system. Joan and Austin are not the same person.
UPDATE: With a lot of therapy Joan was able to integrate with the main personality early July of 2012. Destiny is the front runner most of the time.
Julia / Destiny
Julia is 24 and is pretty high-spirited most of the time. She is also angry underneath the jokes and sarcasm. She is the 3rd protector of three. The threesome is referred to as “The Big Three”. Julia changed her name about 2 years ago to Destiny. She has been out more in the last year than she has ever been before. She is still brutally sarcastic and not very in touch with her feelings. Joan of Arc, who seems to have this ability to wow people, is not on Destiny’s A list. I hesitate to say that she is jealous but I don’t know any other word for it. Destiny is not “suave or “charming”. She feels that Joan’s “wow affect” overshadows the needs of others in the system. While Destiny feels that Joan can be a detriment to the system, she understands and respects the chain of command. She will bow to Joan as Joan will bow to Morton.
SUNDRIP- Art for Life
New and Updated Art Galleries
How I Came To Be Austin
Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Joint Disease
Photos of me as a child are here.
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