Author Archive for AustinPage 3 of 55

No Child Left Behind

Published
by
Austin
on July 13, 2006
in General Chatter
. 2 Comments

This is so sad to see!!! This child is clearly abused. She has been denied the medical attention she obviously needs. Jaundice is one thing but when the child turned a sea-foam blue-ish colour the Center for Disease should have been contacted.

Not only was medical care withheld she was also denied a hair brush. She’s been allowed to drink whisky to excesses because she has the classic yellow eyes of an alcoholic with a shocked look because at 6 her secret is out. This poor knock-kneed child needs to be adopted by someone who will comb her hair, change that horrible dress, brush her yellow teeth and help her get dry before the kindergarten year begins.

Won’t you open your hearts to this child in need?

(And yes, it is true, even THIS picture is copyright protected. It’s sad, I know.)

Good News Corner - Blossom

Published
by
Austin
on July 13, 2006
in Gratitude Journal and Relationships
. 2 Comments

Ah, it’s therapy day. There is so much to do before I go. I’m doing a flea bombing thing so I have to cover all their toys and food stuffs. I have to turn pillows and pull out this and that so it all gets fogged. I wonder if I should let my new wig be flea bombed. Lord knows I’d hate to be at say Wally World and have some child point and say, “Mommy, there’s a flea in that black ladies hair.” Mommy replies, “It’s not her hair. I saw her buy it three weeks ago.” The frightened (but not jaundice) child is dragged away. Yes, I have a fake pony tail that was a gift and I do hope those things can’t collect fleas. I wonder if it’s considered an insult when someone gives you hair as a gift. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! You open the box and it’s a firkin wig! Do you say thank you then cry ever so silently inside like when you opened last years gift and it was a chia head in the likeness of you? Maybe that should have been a warning of what was to come but as usual, you hoped and as usual those hopes would fall.

GOOD NEWS

So, now I must get started on opening up things, protecting things, washing tranquilized cats and finally get myself showered before therapy. Blossom (formerly known as Sg) will be here at half past noon to help with final touches then take me to therapy. She will be staying the night with me again. I appreciate it so much. Since she has been separated from that horrible man she was trapped with for 5 years I’ve been able to see the true person come out. The man she dated was controlling and she had such low self esteem and was so brainwashed by his insults that she did whatever he said. She was isolated, given a time limit on phone calls, given a time limit on how long she could come to visit me. She was to call him when she and I went anywhere so as to let him know where she was at all times. Because she followed his every command without hesitation I began calling her Slave Girl on this journal. She gained her freedom, when her crackhead, bigoted boyfriend left the city in the middle of the night to avoid the upset drug deals he owed. A few months passed after his wussy-like, middle of the night flight from capture, but her friends were not sure he was really gone. A few more months past and the woman who came to be known as Slave Girl began to show the world her true self. She is in effect transforming from a dry discarded bone into a life force that lied dormant for far too many years. She is blossoming to show her true face. For this reason, I will no longer refer to her as Slave Girl but by her new name Blossom.

I am proud of my friend and the free woman she has become so I’ve filed this under corners. I like to post Good News when I have it and this is good news. When anyone at all, male or female takes back their power, uses their voice and stands to show the world their true face it is good news and worthy of being announced as such.

My Reply -John W - Shadow Daughters

Published
by
Austin
on July 13, 2006
in My reply and Soapbox
. 1 Comment

This needs a huge, huge disclaimer on it John because only part of it applies to you. Since only part of it applies to your comment I’m going to go ahead and split up into two parts. Oh joy, another two parter. I will say right off that you did not even mention the word forgiveness or honor or anything like that. The only religious word you used was “pray” and that could have been a phrase and not a religious expression. So, only the first part of this post applies to you okay. I’ll have a clear mark as to where my comments to you stop and where my rants and raves about the shackles of religion begin.

My Reply to John and Keepers

John W Says: July 12th, 2006 at 8:43 pm e

i pray that someday your momma realizes the wonderful daughter she really has. she is missing a lot, a person with a heart of gold, a wonderful and compassionate person(s) that only want to be accepted and loved. do not give up, your time will come. always john and keepers

Austin says:

My mother has yet to realize that her mother will never see her for who she is. My mother at age 58 still hopes that her mother will one day love her and see her and finally push away this shadow daughter. It is false hope my friend. It is false and dangerous hope. I could spend a lot of time hoping that she will come around but I don’t have that kind of time and I refuse to give her any more of my time cause she’s had enough of it.

I know that you and Keepers are strong believers in the Bible. So I will come at this at an angle that maybe will make sense to you and show exactly how I feel about ever having a relationship with that woman who calls herself my mother.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 For everything there is an appointed time, even a time for every affair under the heavens: 2 a time for birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what was planted. Skip to verse 5 because this is the best way I can explain to people why it is that I have given up on the family and why I will never, ever seek their love or approval.

Verse 5 starts off: a time to throw stones away and a time to bring stones together; a time to embrace and a time to keep away from embracing.

The strongest point for me is verse 6: a time to seek and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away.

John, I know what you wrote was with pure intensions but it is true when I say that I can want my mother to finally see that I was not the terrible person she thought I was but she will not ever see it. I would toil waiting for her to come around. I’d waste my time trying to prove to her that I am ME and not a reflection of the failure she feels she was to her mother (another shadow daughter). End comments to John and Keepers

 

Forgiveness Is Misunderstood

Published
by
Austin
on July 13, 2006
in My reply and Soapbox
. 2 Comments

Forgiveness Is Misunderstood - This next part is just some thoughts and has nothing at all to do with John’s comments. John didn’t imply any of the following but since I’m on a tangent here I’ll just keep typing away. This is actually to all who believe that forgiveness is the only true way to heal and be accepted by god and have your prayers heard by god.

I kept hearing that I needed to honor my mother and father. I needed to do this to be approved by God. I stayed home way too long because of that scripture which has been taken completely out of context. It says honor them not become slave to them, be used by them, and let them hurt you because they are your mother and father. Few are ever reminded of the scripture that says

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Dominance and control overshadow these principals and children are left to believe that they have no choice but “honor” their mother and father the way they want them to OR be disapproved of by God. Even as adults it is hard to break free of that improper rendering. It was the fear of displeasing God that kept me around the mother for so long. I thought I owed it to her to let her know how I was doing. The reason it has only been 4 years since I’ve had any contact with the mother whatsoever is because it took all these years to finally get to the point where I can say, okay, I understand that she is my mother. I understand that there were some God given responsibilities that I need to appreciate/honor. For what she did right I can honor it but her refusal to change can not be honored so I have to separate myself from her and not hope in something that will never be healthy.

It takes so much for a person to be able to break free of an abusive relationship but when they are threatened with displeasing God freedom is delayed or denied while the perpetrator is expected to be forgiven and embraced. If the mother changed, if she owned up to even half of what she did and came to me and said, Austin I know I’ve done wrong please do forgive me. You know what? I’d give it. But forgiveness would not move me to associate with her or to trust her or to hope for something long lost. I would offer forgiveness in the form of not seeking revenge and as an act of sincere regret she would volunteer to offer restitution in the form of paying for therapy and other expenses related to healing from the time she was not repentant. That is what repentance is, it’s turning from whatever wrong you did and making restitution. Sheshhh..they do that in 12 step programs…go back and say, hey I was wrong when I did this but I’ve changed and here is what I’ve been doing to make sure I never fall like that again.

Forgiveness is another one of those misunderstood religious terms. People assume that God forgives all things. First, let me state that I do not believe in the existence of hell fire. I can’t even comprehend such a thing from a God that I know to be loving. But for those who do believe in it, how can you mix the all forgiving God with the same God that sends people to burn and burn and burn for ever? Where is the forgiveness in that? Heck, even countries set up laws as to how to “humanely” kill violent offenders so why would man, who was created by God, give more compassion to fellow men than their Creator does?

My belief is that forgiveness is reserved for situations where it is warranted. It is not a blanket response to pain and suffering. If God used a blanket form of forgiveness Saddam and Gomorrah would still be standing, the name Jezebel would be associated with a reformed woman, and the son of Pharaoh who lived in Noah’s day would have lived to sit on the thrown, Cane would not be synonymous with murder and Judas Iscariot would have a place as a prince in heaven with the men he served beside. The truth is, God only forgives those who want forgiveness then turn around and change their behavior and work to right whatever wrong they can.

When a person misuses the gift of forgiveness they commit acts that are heness with the expectation that they will be forgiven. Forgiveness can be abused especially if it is handed out in blanket form when no true repentance has taken place. In the case of abusers that do not change, in the case of sexual predators that do not change or see the need to change it would be a perversion of the principal of forgiveness if we offered it to them. The Bible says; never throw your pearls to swine. I myself have never been partial to pigs.

 

Morton of Morton’s Pride

old entries on forgiveness can be found by using the search box with the word forgiveness or you can use the links below.

How Forgivness Is Explained As An Abstract Idea

Forgiving myself Part One of Three 

Forgiving myself Part Two of Three 

Forgiving myself Part Three of Three - Forgiveness Opens and Closes Doors 

Shadow Daughters

Published
by
Austin
on July 12, 2006
in Letters Home, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 1 Comment

She treated me as if I was the worst child in the word. She treated me the exact opposite of who I really was, accused me of things I never even thought about doing. It was like she was talking about some other child while looking at me. Some people say that I’ll never really see the good in myself unless I take off the “bad girl” glasses. I also believe that my mother will never see the good in me unless she sees me as someone other than a threat to her…unless she sees me for who I really am instead of taking out on me the anger she feels for her own mother not loving her. It trickled down from my great-grandmother, to my grandmother, my mother to me…we were all victims of the generation before us. They never saw us for who we were and we were forced to pay the price for the lack of love given to them. With each generation the anger became stronger and stronger and so did the abuse. It was like my mother was raising a shadow daughter as did her mother and my grandmothers mother. We were not those people. We did not commit the crimes they said we did. We were not the person they were looking at. I strongly believe they saw themselves in the little fearful body that shuttered before them. In that little body of weakness they found disgust and lashed out. They never saw the real child that they gave birth to, their anger only let them see shadow daughters. Continue reading ‘Shadow Daughters’

When They Cry For Help: Part One of Three

Published
by
Austin
on July 12, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Segments
. 2 Comments

When They Cry For Help: Part One of Three
Tuesday, July 11, 2006-9:35PM EST

When I woke up today from the latest set of nightmares, which were manageable, I came to the PC and found a not from an insider. When I can’t or haven’t heard them they’ll leave me notes, they’ll make sure I hear them. I hope they do not take it personally when I can’t hear them but I certainly appreciate it when they give me red flags like the one I got this afternoon when I sat down to the PC. It was on the screen saver so that’s why I didn’t immediately see it. It took a few minutes for the screen saver to kick in and when it did the marquee scroll said: “HELP ME CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO DIE.”

Of course that caught me off guard but again, I was happy that they made sure I knew how they were feeling. Sg asked if there was a chance that someone inside would act on the desire to die. I told her point blank, if they say to me, I want to die then that is a request for help but if they say to Morton I want to die, it is permission to act on it. Morton is the absolutely only one that has ever given the okay to end this charade. When he calls a meeting and sees that the vast majority of us are ready to quit then he will okay ending this fight. When and only when Morton says okay has there been an attempt made.

Sg asked if there was a possibility that someone would be so out of control that they’d not listen to Morton and try to hurt the body anyway. I said no. She asked how I could be so sure. I said, it’s the way our system is set up. The Big Three (Morton, Joan of Arc and Destiny) are the top 3 protectors in that order but when it comes to life or death decisions the final say belongs to Morton. He weights everyone’s voice equally and then comes to a decision based on what he thinks is best for the vast majority of the Pride. Sg said, but he would never hand down that decision would he, not Morton? I said yes, because if he thinks that everyone has had more than enough and he thinks that the vast majority of us are ready to stop then yeah, he will hand down the okay to end it. She said, how is that protection. I said it’s not, it’s compassion. Protectors aren’t just fierce warriors ready for any battle, they also show compassion for those who are ill or tired and lame of heart. So while some might not agree that Morton should be able to say for everyone, yeah, we are ready to go, the truth is, the decision would be based on what the far vast majority of us want. I have to say too that if the second in command and the third in command are ready to go as well as quite a few of the other Pride members then the decision is not hard at all but if say only one of the 2 protectors under him is ready to go and only a few of the other Pride members are ready to go then the answer is no, we’ll figure out a way to keep going and make this life work. So it’s not as simple as him saying, well, yeah, lets go ahead and end this thing.

She said, will you call me and say goodbye? Well, hell no I won’t. You realize that after I’ve called everyone to say goodbye that I’d be so dang tired and worn out that I couldn’t get it done…not to mention the manipulation and the fact that I would compound their grief and guilt that always follows the survivors of a suicide victim. No, I won’t call you Sg. She didn’t like that answer.

She was still unsure that everyone would listen to Morton if he said no, we are going to push on. She still wonders how anyone could have that kind of control. I told her, it’s just how our system works. All major decisions are made by the Big Three but major life and death decisions are always finalized by Morton.

We got further into how our system works. I explained that we each have a part in here. We each have a job, big or small that makes us a part of this family, this Pride. Everyone has a sense of belonging and contribution based on what that person is capable of giving without depleting their personal inner resources. If we ask someone with fewer resources to do a huge job like pay bills and go to the store and deal with outsiders (those not in the system) then we are setting that alter up for failure. That is neither productive nor kind as a matter of fact it would be cruel. We can not ask someone with few resources to deplete them and still work on their own issues. That’s where or hierarchy comes in. the more responsibility you are able to handle the higher up the chain of command you are. So the hierarchy has nothing to do with worth or the strength of an alters voice when contributing to decisions, hierarchy in Morton’s Pride has to do with who can reasonably be asked to complete a task. The smallest to the oldest share equality but they don’t share strengths. Sometimes a young one out ranks an older one because again, rank has to do with what they can handle and still function and work on their personal issues. Milwaukee at age 12 out ranks Robert at age 19 simply because of the inner strength. So hierarchy is more of a provision than a burden and yolk. We take the system structure seriously because we depend on each other for everything. Everyone knows what is expected of them and everyone knows that they belong here and have a place that they can rest when needed or step forward and pick up slack when needed. So it works for us, this hierarchy system. I tried to reassure her that there has never been a time when someone acted contrary to our set up. We depend on it so yes, I can honestly say that even if we get things that say that we are not in danger of kill ourselves even when we get messages that say “I want to die” I personally wouldn’t have gotten the message Morton would have. So that says to me, this person wants help and they want to keep going and that they realize that something can be done to make this level of hurt stop…otherwise they would have gone straight to Morton…higher up the chain of command. They would have skipped me all together and gone right to the source.

At any rate, this person is now being comforted inside and being reassured that we will find a way to help her. We will find a way to get what we need. And we help with that. We may not have a therapist that is always available but we do have friends and Sg right now has been invaluable. At the dollar store the other day we saw this little cobalt blue oil lamp. We ran up and paid for it then had the cashier hold it for us. We surprised her with it. She has a whole case of cobalt because she just loves it. So when we saw it we snatched it up quickly. She liked it a lot.

We try to give back to her as much as we can. We like to cook for her and to look up info on the PC for her. We were able to find her long lost brother on the net. When I had unlimited long distance she was able to talk to him here. That felt really good. And we got to help her set up a phone when the so-called new AT&T was giving her the run around. We just jumped on the PC, got an executive number called them and she had a phone the next day. I have to feel like I’m giving back (something other than a laugh) to feel that I’m part of a friendship. Yeah, laughing is good and its healing but if someone wants just a laugh they can turn on Comedy Central. Laughing is a big part of my life. Joking around and goofing off in the store is just something I do for the hell of it. But when someone says they……let me say what I mean, when Sg said that she knows where to go to get a laugh it makes me feel bad because it’s like, hell, I’m good for more than a performance. But maybe I’m taking that the wrong way because she also says that she knows where to go for encouragement. For some reason I get stuck on the “I can go to you for a laugh” thing. I suppose I should eventually figure out why that offends me so. Cause when I go to other journals and that person is funny (ie.. Ordinary Janet) and laugh until tears roll down my eyes and my oxygen level drops dangerously low I don’t think to myself, well, she’s only good for a laugh. Or when I go to see Julie at her gardens I don’t think to myself, yeah, she writes about other things but she’s only good for floral advice and Stars Rest is only good for horse info and photos good enough to be published of the New Mexico sky. So why on earth do I take that bit so personally when people say to me, you make me laugh.

Wait, I know why. But I’ll have to do a whole ‘nother post on it. Damn! Another several part post.

When They Cry For Help: Part 2of3

Published
by
Austin
on July 12, 2006
in General Chatter
. 1 Comment

When They Cry For Help: Part 2of3 -A smile hides the tears
Tuesday, July 11, 2006-10:3PM EST

Continued: So why on earth do I take that bit so personally when people say to me, you make me laugh?

I know for myself that I deny myself of the help I need when I kick into a comedy routine. I do that all the time. I perform instead of share and get into the root of problems. The things in my head and my heart are so frightening that it seems that if they showed at all on my face just how afraid I am people would be overwhelmed and pull away from me. People walk away from those who are perpetually down and constantly in a state of emotional crisis. It’s draining so yeah, after being drained for so long they pull away. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar the same as you get and keep more friends when laughing as opposed to crying.

That’s only part of though. I kick into the comedy routine without really intending to. It is so much of a coping technique that we just go right into it without thinking. And, we do like to make people laugh. That’s a good feeling. We just wish we could turn it on and off at will instead of it just controlling itself. In past appointments we had to tell the therapist, when I kick into a comedy routine stop me, I’m masking, call me on it and ask me what is really going on. I’ll let her know if I’m just in a light mood or if I’m avoiding issues.

I worry about offering support and getting very little back. A lot of times in the past people have come to me for support and for a laugh but when I need someone no one is around, they’re busy, they’re not up to dealing with me. I feel used. So I guess I have a love hate relationship with comedy the same as I do with sunflowers.

Joan of Arc

When They Cry For Help Part 3of3

Published
by
Austin
on July 12, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health
. 0 Comments

The Flower I Wasn’t Suppose To Be

I guess I have this thing about Sunflowers. I would call it an obsession so much as I’d call it a connection. There are thousands of little flowers in the head of one, and supported by a thick green stalk that stands with strength. I guess it’s the many in one that I can relate to. When you look at a sunflower you do not see the flowers as individual little lives. You see the whole thing as one and even use the singular form: Sunflower not Sunflowers. If you think about it, the proper term should be plural. When I think of myself I struggle to not use plural terms such as we and us. It is hard not to. I also seem to think others have a host of people in thier head and call others you guys instead of just you.

I suppose if you went inside the mind of a sunflower it would use the plural form of its name. the thing with sunflowers is, before you see the individual flowers you are captured by it’s beauty. You’re taken by the colour and the size then thrown back into memories of the squirrls fighting over fallen seeds. We miss the point. We miss the fact that so many lives can be supported by one and that each individual flower has the potential of becoming the holder of a thousand more lives.

If you look at me you see a capable person, a funny person, a girl who has her head right on her shoulders. Sometimes I come off stronger than I really am because people can not see that inside many other lives scream and want to die. They are supported by one body that hides their true feelings and their true weak form.

A Sunflower needs the same thing to grow as a rose or a tulip, a daisy or an orchid. It needs sun and water with good earth to call it’s home. I doesn’t become beautiful on its own and i certainly does not grow strong over night.

I, like every other human being, need to be touched, to be loved, to breath without choking and live with safety. I can not do life by myself. I can not get strong on my own. Getting to the point where I trust touch, where I trust love and take deep comfortable breaths in safety will certainly not happen over night, but I am up for the long hall. (If I give myself a chance to recharge.)

Body Memories

Published
by
Austin
on July 11, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health
. 0 Comments

Body Memories-Tuesday, July 11, 2006-12:42 PM EST

Last night was a violent night of body memories. I was curled up on the floor and I could feel that woman hitting me. It was 3am and I was talking to Sg on the phone. She walked me through getting grounded; I took 2 milligrams of clonapin, ate a sandwich and headed to bed. I shouldn’t say bed, I slept on the love seat, little kitty on my chest, Cappy under the table and bigger kitty on the recliner. These guys are so sweet. What is it that is so cute about seeing a little tiny kitten body run across the floor with that pitter patter looking for something to get into just so I can come up with the spray bottle and make her stop breaking lamps and what not? She broke a lamp yesterday. No biggie. It cost me a quarter at a garage sale. I like the wonder she has, the energy and the basic “I have nothing to worry about except where my next kitten chow is coming from.” She looks around for someone to bother or as she might think of it, someone to play with. Gracie sometimes goes up high where she can’t get to her because this little bugger never stops. Grace has been so helpful because for one, she’s calm. She just climbs on my lap. Since she’s so big now she just kind of sits on my lap and puts her upper body on my chest with her nose tucked in my neck. That’s my ticklish spot so I have to keep moving her from there but she gravitates right back there. My personal teddy bear aka Captain has been so neglected these past few days. We’ve not gone out to play ball or anything. Well, he did get to swim for a bit but other than that he’s been under the table hanging out while Mama paces the floor and tries to keep her head above water. We should go for a walk today. It’s blistering hot out there but I’m sure he doesn’t mind a short trip to the golf course. I’ve never seen people so willing to golf in any weather at all. I mean these people will golf in a storm, in hell fire heat in the snow or anything. Most mornings I go and collect all the balls from the really bad golfers that have slammed them into my yard as they hoped to be like Tiger Woods. Not gonna happen. Not when the ball reaches from way across to the street right up into my yard or worse, bounces off the house. I would love to take golf lessons. I never thought I’d hear myself say it but I do like golf now. Living across from the 8th hole as me watching them, watching their strokes, watching tournaments and following the news with golfers and what not. I never thought I’d see this day or the day that I’d hope Danica would move to NASCAR. Hey, what can I say!!! Golf and NASCAR! What’s next, watching backgammon tournaments on TV?

Austin

 

Stepping Back – Recharging

Published
by
Austin
on July 11, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and My reply
. 5 Comments

Stepping Back – Recharging-Monday, July 10, 2006-10:47 PM EST

Let me first apologize for having to write this post. I do not mean it to be directed towards one person in particular. This is a general post to everyone that sends private email. Right now, we are not doing well. It’s getting difficult to keep up with everything. We are trying our hardest to keep our head above water and right now it doesn’t seem like we are. Between nightmares and flashbacks, money issues and everyday life stresses we are simply maxed. We need to ask that readers not send private email because we need to step back and get ourselves together or we are going to crash.

If you don’t see me show up on your journal please do not take it personally. We just need to recharge. If you don’t hear from me in private email please don’t take it personally, we need a big time recharge. We have a lot going on right now and it feels like we are losing this current battle with depression and flashbacks. It was quite alarming for me to have such a strong urge to bang my head against the book case. It caught me off guard because I’ve never even thought of doing that before. This to me says, Austin step back, do some maintenance and regroup. So that is what I need to do. So please do not take it personally if I do not respond to emails or if I do not visit your journals.

I think if I read something like this on someone’s journal I’d immediately think to myself, she’s talking about me. But I mean what I say; this is not to any particular person. Even reading that I’d still think, damn, what did I do? I hope I didn’t do this or that. I hope I didn’t say something I shouldn’t have. I’d beat myself up and take it all personally. Heck, I might even go into a little shell and vow to never reach out again. Hopefully I’d come to the conclusion that I pray you draw…this post is meant exactly as it is states with nothing else implied. There is no reading between the lines to be done, no guess work, it says what it says. This is about me trying to get myself together so I can keep my head above water and set some priorities.

Austin of Sundrip Journals

 

I have fears and questions. I have doubts and I have tears. These sometimes mix with my strength with the intension of drowning it mercilessly.