I shake but I do not shake alone
I tremble and shutter
Scream and rip my shirt in grief
But not alone.
My necks falls over
It can barely hold the head that nearly explodes from the pressure of a tortured mind.
Blocking out these visions, tighter and tighter are my eyes pressed together
Until the pain of an imploded skull relieves the painful reminder of my keepers household.
At last my breaths are slow to come as tears fall like me to my knees
When I can no longer bare it alone and call upon Your Name.
Austin
I Bare It-Wednesday, October 08, 2008
If you have not yet had a chance to read the entry by Beautiful Dreamer titled “A Tree Grows” please find the time to do so. You will not be disappointed. It is inspiring and beautifully written. If you need a pick me up today this is the entry that will give you a boost and a bit more fire to keep going.
Austin
She says to go in the room and wait. She’ll be there when she gets good and damn ready, there’s no telling how long it’ll take. She might go out with *R* for dinner then come back or she might come in right away. The room has a bunch of plants and a mix of African masks from various tribes. The blankets are mustard with a small flower on it. Above the bed is a horse whip. There’s a belt she puts around my neck. I don’t think of those, my eyes go around the room and look at things as if they’re new to me. The closets are filled with boxes containing old Reader’s Digest Magazines, old Life Magazines and religious literature. One box contains old McCall’s books, crafts and clothing she started and never finished. Ideas stored away is what they were. She was a big talker. “We’re going to do this. We’re going to do that.” Then she’d go out and buy all the stuff for it but we didn’t ever get to it. There was always an interruption. Those ideas got stored in a different closet. I remember thinking of how ugly the carpet was. A deep dark chocolate brown that
Continue reading ‘She Lied. She Was Wrong.’
Two men, one white and one Latin stood in my grandmother’s house asking for directions to Texas. The house was dark and looked exactly as I remember when I was a child only in the dream I was an adult.
Me: You’re looking for your family?
Latin Man: Yes
Me: They’re in Texas, just follow the smell.
Latin Man: What do you mean by that?
Me: I mean they’ll smell like the clay ground in Tyler.
Latin Man: What kind of racist shit is that?
Me: No, no, just follow the smell of clay and you’ll find home.
The Latin man is confused by the statement and pissed but he and his friend turn to leave. After they leave my sister and a group of others turn to leave. It’s the middle of the night. I have bags but my sister carries nothing.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Three Families and Trust’
DREAM COMMENTARY:
First let me say, I have no idea what the whole “follow your nose to Texas” means. People from Tyler, Texas do not smell like red clay earth. Sorry for any offense to my fellow Texans. Moving on, I think it’s interesting that the young boy had a flashback right there in the dream and I got to see what happened to him to make him so disturbed. This dream has a lot of different pieces taken from real life experiences so it’ll be hard to tear it apart piece by piece. The only thing I can say is someone did try and test my boundaries in a way that was not appropriate, I did sleep in the car with my mother as a child, I did have needles in my feet at a child and I only gave hugs when forced to. I know the red headed children in that dream from a long time ago.
I think it’s interesting that in the dream when we left in the middle of the night I had bags but my sister had nothing. I was prepared but she was not. She gave in to the family (hugs) but I was known as a rebellious cold hearted child. I walked in front of her, she followed.
Continue reading ‘Dream: Three Families and Trust Commentary’
I couldn’t’ sleep so “I” painted.
I’ve started taking a clonapin at night to help me get to sleep. It seems my anxiety reaches an all time high when it’s about time to call it a night. It helps to slap some paint on paper or pixels on the screen so I can relax. This one is by Maureen. It’s untitled. Man it’s good to see her back… and even painting again!
Last night was another one of those nights when we really needed to see a simple picture, nothing too active, something calming and soothing so “we” painted this.
Austin
I usually complain about money around the beginning of the month but you know what? I feel good right now. The thing is this, I like when everything is paid and there’s a zero balance on everything. My car was paid off yesterday. Heck yeah! The overall cost was mega low but it still took a bit to pay it off while paying insurance, $4.99 a gallon, rent and phone and all the other stuff I pay. That small payment hurt but it’s paid off and all my other obligations are covered to a zero balance. I don’t like an empty wallot but I do like the feeling of pride for meeting my obligations.
The fur babies have what they need for a month. I have medication and personal items plus a very tiny cushion for emergancies. Can a person really be happy like this? Yes, especially when they know they were told they’d never, ever make it on their own.
My income level has dropped significantly since I stopped cooking professionally. My lifestyle is very different. Tight isn’t really how I’d describe it. Ten years ago I averaged 80 grand a year. I now bring in about 7 grand. Life is majorly different. I doubt calling myself destitute is an exaggeration. But even in this state, when I’ve covered everything, when my pockets are empty, there is still a feeling of pride. I cannot lose that feeling of pride because once I do my feet stop. Maybe it’s strange but it feels good to know when it comes to bills and food I can sit back and rest for this month.
J of A
This is a three part entry with two dreams and one re-write.
Dream One
A few days ago I had a dream that I was back in the 10th grade house only as an adult. My sister and I were in bed together in the mother’s room waiting for someone who loved her to come and discover her. They’d known each other, he thought he lost her but was going to come to the house to discuss this loss with me. The sister was going to surprise him when he walked in the bedroom. As we lay there I heard rustling outside. After investigating it became clear to me two men were going to break in. The man in the get away car told the other criminal not to harm us but to find out what we know then leave. I attempted to warn my sister of the danger but instead of heading it she went to the door to see what the man wanted. He pushed his way in and over took her. I ran to the back and climbed out the window of the mother’s bedroom. It was pitch black out there except for back porch lights. The field was full of lions and wolves waiting for me to let my guard down so they could pounce.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3′
Dream Two
This dream is from this morning. I was riding in the backseat of a car trying to convince some Islamic people not to hang a man who had shown disrespect to their people. He too was Islamic but he was disrespectful and was going to be hanged. I reached over to hand a man something, I don’t remember what it was, and my hand accidentally touched his. He was furious and felt disrespected. He said I too would be hanged. I lowered my eyes and asked him for forgiveness and explained that I didn’t intend to touch a married man and I had no intentions of being disrespectful. He didn’t care. He told the driver to hurry up because they were going to hang me too. At this point I looked up at him and said, “What ever happened to forgiveness? Don’t you forgive?” I asked if he had a Messiah or if there was some kind of belief they held that would cover this sin against him. I don’t remember if he answered or not. We pulled up to the site where a man had already been put to death. The two of us were forced out of the vehicle. The driver turned the radio off which had been playing the song “Bruised But Not Broken” by Joss Stone.
“Been alot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt2-3′
(as part of dream therapy you re-write the dream for an ending that you can live with or where you are the victor instead of the victim.)
My sister and I are sleeping in separate rooms when I hear a burglar at the door. I run to wake my sister who is sleeping as she always does, like an letter in an envelope. Her blankets are straight, folded very neatly at the top and nothing is out of order. She’s sleeping like a picture perfect princess. I giggle and think to myself, “How on earth does she sleep like that?” then I shake her to let her know we have to get out of the house. She jumps to her feet, throws the covers back to their original position. I notice the bed looks as if she never slept in it at all. I shake my head and we run to her window and climb out together. The sister who will be called Mia is down below telling me to jump and hurry because she thinks they’re already in the house. I’m afraid of heights and have always been but I know jumping is necessary. At the bottom Mia and I run into the field knowing full well we’ll have to fight off lions and wolves. Mia heads in first and tells me to stay close behind her. We’re going to the highway then into the city for help. As we pass through the field we don’t see any danger but we know it’s all around us. Several houses have a porch light but Mia senses they won’t help so we keep going. A lady approaches us and says she’ll take us only as far as the highway. Again sensing danger Mia denies assistance and takes us through the dark, overgrown field.
Despite sleeping her hair is perfect, her pink nightgown is without wrinkles and there’s not a drop of sweat on her.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Re-write’
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