So I did my short stint in the loony bin and came on home a few days later. I got out of the psychiatric house for the mentally unstable at noon with the intentions of coming home for a few hours then go right back out to see my therapist at 3:15PM. When I got home I found that I have a new roommate. To my surprise Barney Fife Jr. moved in. For those of you who don’t know BF Jr this isn’t a terrible thing. He’s clean, he’s quiet, helpful and all that stuff, what is more, he’s adorable. That’s an understatement. He’s ab- delicious. The man is built like a … yeah, one of those houses and he will hardly ever be here. Seems he’s going through a divorce and this was his last resort. If I had a choice between ab-delicious and The Family of Doom I’d choose Beauty over Doom any day. So BF Jr will be here for a few months. I can’t complain a bit about that. Well, I mean, I could. I could ask him why he didn’t bring along his super fine friends……..
So, back to the loony bin stay…. it went well. I had a shock by the nurse which was a bittersweet revelation. She looked at my feet and hands and said, “Who tortured you?” I about fell over. I wasn’t expecting that at all. That may have been the only uncomfortable situation while locked away from the functionally insane. The reason it was bittersweet is because while it shocked me it was also validating.
Continue reading ‘The Psych Ward’
Katm- Take the damn meds. Don’t make me fly over there and kick your ass 
Did your box ever come?
Dear Kathryn,
The South Korean government has contacted me concerning the contents of your box. Please know that I was kidding when I requested a super fly Korean girl between the ages of 30 and 40 show up on my doorstep. I never expected anyone to shove a woman in a box and mail her to me. While I appreciate the hook up, I don’t appreciate being interrogated by people with “advanced” torture techniques. Therefore I must say, I do not know you nor do I know what box you’re talking about.
I guess there’s no permanent emotional damage to her but she is in need of a chiropractor. Perhaps you should have flown her here. How on earth did you get her in that tiny little box? Let me just say writing the word FRAGILE on the box wasn’t enough to ensure her comfort.
Once this debacle has been sorted out I’ll speak more openly. For now it’s “Kathryn who?”
Sincerely,
The Interrogated
Nope, no box yet. It may be in customs or something.
I do believe my life is a soap opera, a very, very bad soap opera. I layed in bed last night looking at the fake glowing stars on my ceiling then burst out laughing. Only me I thought, me and some Hollywood story line. Only Hollywood can make this shit up. Yesterday when I ventured out past my front door to see “the gentleman” aka Chi, I did so only to discover the heifer I went out with a few times works for Chi. She started there a few days ago. Chi is her supervisor. “Lady” is the girl from a disastrous date from awhile ago. She’s also the girl that looks so much like me that there was no way on earth it could have worked out. Had she not been in serious need of psychiatric help the fact that she looks way too much like me would have made us impossible. It was like going on a date with myself. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Do you know how difficult that can make things, dating someone that looks so much like you its scarey? Lady was someone I went out with a few times the second time Blossom and I broke up. I stand by the fact that it has only been three times that Blossom and I broke up.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a garden waiting for me.
I had the, “I feel like I’m getting screwed over” dream again. I don’t know what that’s about. I hate those dreams though. I know most of the time in my dreams sex is a power play so when I’m doing that to some strange guy then I can fall back on a realization I had a long time ago. When I have this dream it’s because in my waking hours I feel screwed over, powerless and afraid.
I had a dream my candles didn’t light as well as a dream about seeing a kid from my past who grew up in foster care then faked a high school transcript to get into college. We sat in his car talking about how his plan would backfire when a girl in a station wagon pulled up beside us with another girl in the back. The girl in the back had on really short shorts with her legs open. He and I had our heads turned to the side looking up her shorts. I noticed she had some sort of venereal disease of a crusty nature and made several comments about how she may have gotten it. After a few off comments, as if we hadn’t just had this slight derailment, we went back to talking about how his plan to get into college wasn’t a good one.
Continue reading ‘Dream: Cramped’
My regular cab driver is on vacation until next week. I pay the guy all at once so that I don’t have to worry about having money later to pay him. Therapy is important so I give him the co-pays. Well, since Cabby Negative has been on an unscheduled vacation I’ve been forced to deal with even worse drivers than he is. Once I get into their cab I’m more than thrilled to tell them I don’t have a dollar so I can listen to them go off about how I want something for free. The first 3 rides I managed to not have any issues but the ride to therapy today was not without it’s problems.
Ya know, there’s a fiery hot place that waits for cab drivers that can’t deal with the inconvenience of being shorted a one dollar co-pay. Such cab drivers, when told about this tremendous loss go into lamentations about being cheated and about how they’re tired of “us people on Medicaid trying to get something for free.” Then the angry little driver, once he realizes you refuse to argue back will call his supervisor and refuse to ever pick you up again. When the supervisor tells the same story I did about having a regular driver and how that driver gets paid said angry driver will hang up and throw his phone so hard it cracks the screen. Then not only is the pissy driver out a dollar he’s also out a cute little red cell phone.
Continue reading ‘Cab Drivers In Hell’
Back in May of this year I lost my name and my income. Last month it hit me that the relationship I had with Blossom wasn’t what I thought it was. This month I lost my dog. I’m a tad bit frazzled right now. This month I got my name back and next month I’ll have my income back but I don’t get Captain back and I don’t ever want Blossom back I read the Borderline Personality Disorder series over at Clinically Clueless’ blog and the grief hit so hard. There is nothing I can say or do to make me and Blossom right because Blossom is an emotional child. The profound sadness I feel over that is unspeakable.People hope ya know? And most of the time they hope the problem is them because at least then things can change. What I learned was that its her and not me which means my hands are tied, I’m powerless to make things right. That hurts cause that means I have to let her go too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t know how to link to her series or I would. I couldn’t find them all. I’m feeling a tad bit stressed and it felt too overwhelming to look them up. LOL so just go over to her blog and look for the series.
So what’s up with the name and income thing and why on earth am I just now saying something? I talked to a few people in private conversation but I didn’t mention it on the blog. I kicked into the whole “I’ll deal with it on my own” routine. There’s another thing I need to forgive myself for.
Continue reading ‘What I Lost’
Dear Little Chipmunk
Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.
If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!
Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind
This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like some street corner hoodlum. I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.
Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST
We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.
Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
Continue reading ‘Forgiving Myself’
This is one of those entries that I’ve considered writing before but didn’t because what I’m about to say seems sick and insane. I don’t want to be seen as sick or insane. Yesterday this subject came up in private conversation and I realized I need to say something about it. Maybe I need to say it to purge myself of guilt a little more. The thing is, this is a regular occurrence not just something that has only been said out loud once.
It seems that after a really hard therapy session the only thing I can think about doing is having sex. I’m not even out of my therapist’s door good and I’ve got one thing on my mind, get laid. I can’t even see straight for thinking about it. When I got home (when someone was here to come home to) I could relieve the need for self harm by re-creating abusive acts. Now here I am with no one here to help relieve that need. My eyes have begun to wander and that frightens me.
Am I actually turned on by flashbacks? No, not in the least. So what do I gain from seeking sexual contact after a heavy therapy session or strong flashbacks concerning abuse?
Continue reading ‘Re-create and Destroy - UPDATED’
The other night I had a dream I was talking to lady who felt she had no right to live. I told her that she had every right to be here and that there was nothing she could reveal to me about her abusive past that would make me think differently. I told her over and over again, “You have a right to be here as much as anyone else.” I woke up more tired than when I laid down.
Last night I had a dream that I woke up and my apartment was filled with brand new oil paints. Someone purchased all the oils from Hobby Lobby and placed them in my apartment. When I woke I was thrilled but leery. Why would someone give me this gift? I woke more tired than when I laid down.
Continue reading ‘Dreams, Food and People’
I talked to Dr. D about his question and how I heard it. He confirmed that what he was asking is how DID affected my relationship with Blossom. We hadn’t discussed it before so he asked. I’m telling you, the name of that woman brings anxiety bubbling up so as I began to answer the question I dissociated and switched. After getting myself back together I told him that basically it was in the forefront at all times and I felt it put a burden on me because of it.
DID is of course a major part of my life. It touches quite a few things but when the person you are involved with unnecessarily makes everything about your DID when you don’t want them to then it becomes a burden. One of the common worries of a multiple is that people will believe he or she is a fake and that they don’t really have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Even the multiple (including myself) has doubts about their disorder. It’s clear in others but for our own emotional safety we sometimes keep a bit of denial on hand. After all, fully accepting the diagnosis means fully accepting how you got it. That is a difficult pill to swallow. So when you don’t really want everything to be about your disorder but the person you are with does it starts problems.
Continue reading ‘DID At The Forefront’
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