Today I met someone I knew in high school and hung out with a lot. We had quite a bit of fun together as well as mischief. As a matter of fact, we set fire to a pizza and left it in the middle of the street in downtown Indianapolis in front of one of the largest bank buildings in the city. We sat on the bus and laughed our heads off together. We were friends bonded by sick home lives that we hardly ever spoke about.
Archive for the 'Abuse' Category
I didn’t expect my old landlord to turn the apartment complex into a sexual predator, pedophile haven. I didn’t know he was going to do it or I never would have moved in there. I never would have shared a bedroom wall with a man who raped his son, a ceiling with a man who violated little girls and a floor with a man who while on heroin violated both. Not only were my neighbors pedophiles but their friends were too. The people they brought in as guests were people who used to live there but moved. They too were on the list. Some residents who were not on the list were women and men who knowingly dated these pedophiles. Daily I looked people in the eye who accepted these men. Daily I looked in the eye men who were listed as violent sexual predators and who had just gotten out of prison for it. The weight of it was tremendous, the effects of it lasting.
I’m kind of nervous which is why I decided to blog. I’m not sure why I’m nervous, but I am.
Saturday afternoon I went to a special service which was held for most of the day. I sat by a woman who has spine issues and we talked about how chronic pain has affected our lives. Chronic pain can make her feel alienated or isolated from others, even those in the same house. Pain makes me feel ‘different’, like I’m the proverbial nerd with glasses in a room full of beautiful people. It affects how we see ourselves and what we think others see when they look at us.
This year marks a change for me. This will be the very last year that I celebrate my personal Independence Day. I’d been thinking about it for awhile and believe that this is the year I truly let go. Let me explain.
It is a fact that I will never return to my mother’s home or to my family. That divorce is final and has been for some time. I no longer run from her or from her family. I would never put up with her stalking me like before. Most of all, I’ll never be that little girl. I smile as I say this. I smile from the heart because I know its true and proven.
I had this dream the morning of January 23rd, 2013 – Wednesday. My dreams are written down immediately which preserves the details.
Dream: I was at a garden party. All the guests were on a long staircase that lead to a house where a father and son were exiting as if on display for the guests. The father came out first but he wasn’t wearing any pants. He had to pass each and every guest in the nude. On his decent he ended up at eye level with everyone. His 3 year old son, though wrapped in a white towel, was also exposed. The towel was open in the middle exposing him to the guests.
I called and explained from beginning to end that the psych nurse can not return to my home. I talked to the doctor’s office about the conversation about “Why do people think I’m gay.” I explained her two marital situations and the deep, deep issues involved in those that I should never have known about. I talked about how I explained to the psych nurse that she goes after men that are not emotionally available to her. Yeah, I had that conversation with my psych nurse.
Other information included in the conversation with my doctor’s office: The psych nurse showed me a present made by her client’s father. It’s a necklace with a single pink cubic zirconia-like stone. The matching ring was made by the thirteen year old son, her client. She then said to me, you want to see a photo? I thought she meant of the frogs in their new tanks so I was all over it. She pulled out a photo of the young boy and his family. She then named off everyone in the photo.
You know, the thing is, I’ve been lonely here. I’m pretty much hospitalized at home. I see my doctors, I see some friends that drop by but I’m here a lot without the presence of friends. I rarely get to go to services anymore because I can’t sit that long. I’m lonely and It felt like I needed at least one friend in the building, someone I could go talk to, chat with and get out of my apartment for just a little bit. I felt like I needed one person whose house I could run to just to get out of mine. Since he’s not on some government watch list like EVERYONE else in my building, I figured he’d be a better choice. Also, once he moved in and I realized he’s part of the local aquarium club I belong to then I was Gung ho about hanging with him. The other plus I saw was that I thought he was straight gay. That’s not the case either.