Sundrip Journals
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 notes read in therapy
***comments are closed. this is for my personal reference.***
Sodomy hurts but at least I didn’t have to see her face. At least she wasn’t looking me dead in the eye searching for a reaction. I could hear her but I couldn’t see her and she didn’t have a clear view of my face.
Post Secret had a postcard come in concerning a child’s wish to be rescued. The card said that for years she/he wished her real family would take her away from the one she was with. It was all just a bad mistake, and she was going to be loved and cared for by her real family. She was going to be taken home.
**comments are off**
Me: It doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t win with me.
Dr. D: I’m not trying to win or lose.
Me: I mean no matter what you do today it won’t be right. I just doesn’t matter, I’m too angry to hear you.
Dr. D: I thought you felt better, that’s what you said Monday.
Me: I do feel better. I don’t fear that I’m going to walk in front of a bus like I worried about before. That’s better, I’m not nearly as impulsive, but I still don’t care and I still just don’t want to be here.
Today the doctor said she needed to schedule a pelvic exam for me. I respectfully declined to which she replied, “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.” LIAR!!! Yes you do!!!!
I hear that sentence and want to throw things. People say it innocently enough, hell my therapist has said it. They say it to instill confidence and trust, but when I hear it I pull back and become defensive. Here’s the thing, my mother and cousin said the same thing yet there I was doing things I didn’t want to do under the pretense of consensual activities. After all, if I didn’t want to then we wouldn’t be in that situation, therefore I have nothing to complain about. Heck, they gave me a way out, gave me a way to say no so why am I complaining about being afraid?
This may be one of the very best little duck graphics I’ve ever seen.
Now if I could just get this on a white t-shirt I’d be good to go!!!!
I am so lovin’ this!!! This is from SGlider12′s Blog.
Lets see, after a few days of getting my head back on my shoulders I’ve come up with a decent care plan I think I can stick to. I’d stopped eating properly so I had to go add that to my care plan.
I expect to blend in, maybe even blend away when I go in public. I expect to be easily forgotten, easily ignored or not seen at all. I figure I won’t draw too much attention to myself, and any attention I get will be brief. I’ve always thought of myself as easily dismissed for something a bit more stimulating. Expendable is a good word to describe me.
Today I compared myself to an empty oyster shell found at the bottom of the bay. A person could find it, expect to see something beautiful inside, but when they open me up I’m empty, just a shell. I see myself this way and always have.
The dream started off with a mandatory meeting that included everyone employed by the mistress and her porn agency. Employees were gathered to be fired and told they’d fallen prey to the poor economy. What made this meeting different is that the owner wanted to make certain everyone knew just how incompetent they were. Her goal was to break their will and have them leave with less than they came to her with. If the employees agreed to this humiliation they could be eligible for re-hire, if not they could leave and take their chances.
A quadriplegic porn star decided he wasn’t going to be humiliated by the person he made lots of money for. As a matter of fact he was going to take the parrot (an actual parrot who had stared in several small films with him) then go home in his flying wheelchair. The bird was secured in a wooden but round cage and the young man flew about 30 feet above the heads of his former employees then right out the door. The employees were furious that he’d take the bird so they jumped at the chair, but to no avail. The young man was gone and all they could do was yell obscenities and promise revenge.
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