Archive for the 'Dehumanize' Category

Smoke and Mirrors

Published on January 27, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

After writing my last entry and quoting my mother as saying, “Would Mommy approve?” I got a bit irritated (?) so I ended up working off that emotion by writing.

My mother refused to allow us to call her anything but mommy or by her nickname given to her by my father. As an older teen I hated calling her mommy. As I type the word my nose is turned up like it’s the most disgusting word in the world. It feels as if she kept me “little” by using that word. Oh man I can’t explain how disgusted I am by that word. It’s just that she forced it. We had to call her that and she would tell people we called her that. My girls are such and such of age and still call me mommy. Of course we did, it was a requirement. It was a requirement the same as saying Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am. I have no objection to using those terms of respect. As a matter of fact I still say them, it’s just that hearing myself say it to her makes me sick.

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This is Where I Live

Published on February 27, 2011 in Dehumanize and Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I live in Indiana where Union’s are now under fire.

I live in Indiana where tax payer dollars are being spent to ensure that no homosexual is allowed to marry. Despite the fact that we pay our taxes, vote in officials and abide by the law we are still not allowed to marry. Please vote for me, pay your taxes, obey the law and accept less than everyone else.

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How Does That Make You Feel?

Published on January 12, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fear, Female Sadist, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Therapy. 2 Comments

Dr. D asked me how I feel about the things I wrote in my entry. I was to give names to what I feel instead of just details of what happened.

Statement: “I’ll always love you. I’d love you even if you were gay, on drugs or a murderer.”

I feel confused, a bit angry, frustrated. I’d like to know why homosexuals are grouped in with murderers. I’d like to know how she chose the three worst things in the world and I’d like to know how she, a lesbian herself, could ever be so judgmental about my sexuality. In addition to telling me she’d always love me she also told me I was killing her love for me. She told me she would one day stop loving me.

I’m frustrated and angered by the fact that she burdened me with the job of making her love me. I could either maintain it or kill it, it was all up to me how she felt. It was a burden, a depressing, sad, frustrating job at which I failed miserably. I think a good word to describe it is guilt, guilt for not being able to do something to make my mother love me. I also told Dr. D that my mother couldn’t feel love is Cupid himself shot her full of arrows, still I feel I failed her. I couldn’t show my mother that I’m worthy of love.

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One of Her Obsessions

Published on January 10, 2011 in Abuse, Dehumanize, Emotional abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 2 Comments

There have been two things on my mind lately, one is a statement my mother made to me and the other is one of her obsessions.

For some reason this same statement keeps playing in my head: “I’ll always love you. I’d love you even if you were gay, on drugs or a murderer.” I have no idea why that statement said to me so long ago keeps playing in my head.

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This Decayed Sunflower

Published on January 3, 2011 in Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Letters Home, PTSD and Trust. 2 Comments Tags: .

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Of all the therapy dolls I’ve made for people, it never occurred to me to make one that is broken, chipped and decaying. I never imagined others could see their inner child the way I see mine so I didn’t make a damaged doll, not for myself and not for others. The truth is, I’d never make my own therapy doll/inner child doll. I don’t want one made by my own hands. After a bit of searching I found one that is a perfect reflection of my inner child. When I saw her I knew I had to bring her home. She’ll be here in a few short days.

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He’s Just A Little Boy

Published on January 3, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dehumanize. 6 Comments

*I hardly ever give a trigger warning but this time I will. This entry is disturbing and it will stay with you. On trigger warnings – had this been my own story, something that happened to me years ago, I wouldn’t have put up a trigger warning. This is some other child’s story, an 8 year old boy in the middle of this battle. It makes the pain much deeper so I put up the warning. If you happen to see a trigger warning on this site, trust it, they don’t come up often.*

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Edge Play and Abuse

Published on September 2, 2010 in Abuse, Dehumanize, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fear, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 notes read in therapy

***comments are closed. this is for my personal reference.***

Sodomy hurts but at least I didn’t have to see her face. At least she wasn’t looking me dead in the eye searching for a reaction. I could hear her but I couldn’t see her and she didn’t have a clear view of my face.

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