Archive for the 'Emotional abuse' Category

Black for Dummies

Published on February 1, 2012 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist, Letters Home, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

This entry is a follow up to the pink dryer entry . This handwritten entry goes into detail about how difficult it was to feel as if I belonged anywhere or was seen as anything but an object of derision.

The very first art piece shows a three headed child with the caption, “You can be anyone except who you really are.” This art therapy piece will make more sense if the pages are read concerning being black and how I was told to be an example for others. The example I was to set was insane and rather stupid thus the title, Black for Dummies.

My therapist and I spent a good amount of time talking how during this writing I stumbled upon the understanding that my sister should not be seen as weak for how she handled the abuse. Continue reading ‘Black for Dummies’

Pink dryer and a house under my foot

Published on February 1, 2012 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist and Letters Home. 0 Comments Tags: .

This handwritten journal entry came about when I discovered why I’d been so triggered lately. About a year ago I got dreadlocks, then I discovered its not as easy a hair style at I thought it would be. I have to twist and re-twist as well as sit under my GE tabletop dryer to speed the take of the lock. Doing this reminded me of all the times my mother took me to the hair dresser. I wish I could say it was a pleasant memory but it wasn’t. In order to deal with the triggers I drew a picture of me sitting under the dryer. I did this WHILE I was under the dryer which means I was drawing myself drying my hair.

One of the things about the picture is that the dryer is shown as pink. It’s not. It’s a tabletop GE Dryer in white like the photo shows.

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J is For Joan

Published on January 26, 2012 in Art, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 1 Comment

Dr. D: When you get into situations like that ask yourself, “What would Joan do?”
Me: Maybe I should get a WWJD bracelet.

When he suggested I ask what Joan would do he couldn’t see the …contempt …the utter disgust on my face at the thought of it. OF COURSE a mother issue is involved because the woman actually said to me, “See me in your head and ask yourself, “Would mommy approve?” I will no longer gauge my behavior based on some human figure lurking behind me, over me, scrutinizing my every move.

When I was a child and even now I can picture my mother’s face right over my shoulder. She’s deadpan, as usual so I can’t tell if she approves or disapproves. It was a guessing game to figure out what was acceptable to her.

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Last Light

Published on July 20, 2011 in Emotional abuse, Fear, Female Sadist, Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

After watching Seven Pounds I was pissed so I popped in yet another depressing movie called Last Light. It’s with Forest Whitaker (a prison guard) and Kiefer Sutherland (death row inmate.) Kiefer plays a guy who at age 16 stole food and ended up going to juvenile hall where he killed an older boy. Rape was implied. He then went to prison where he killed his cell mate. Rape was implied. The next person he killed was a prison guard who was sent in to him as a joke. He ended up cutting his throat ear to ear. Kiefer was sentenced to execution for that.

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Peace. Rage. Care. Letting Go

Published on June 14, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Emotional abuse, For the Record, PTSD and Relationships. 3 Comments

It’s been interesting. I’m not sure where Junior and his sister are with things but I’m most certainly sure where I am. You know what? Despite my initial fear which I feel was normal I’m still the type of woman who knows that I have so much life ahead of me that it’s not funny. I have options. I have goals and I have friends. No amount of intimidation can change that.

I have to keep this short because of my screen. Man I hate that, no blogging feels so isolating. Despite not having a good monitor for online activities I still have a great support network, the type that will drop their world and come to me in the middle of the night. I love that girl for that.

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On Therapy and Feeling Safe

Published on June 8, 2011 in Abuse and Emotional abuse. 5 Comments

Dr. D and I talked today about feeling safe here and about how I could make that happen. He and I discussed how Junior came to my door and refused to let me close it. Let me start over, there’s an issue with the treadmill. The issue is that Junior involved his sister.  I swear to God that woman is a narcissist who can’t for one second manage her emotions. Anyway, so, Junior knocked on my door and said “Faith!” I could tell how he said it that there was an issue so I answered the door with, “What did I do?”

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The Red Shirt

Published on June 1, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional abuse, Emotions and PTSD. 1 Comment

I don’t remember what time it was when I got up but as soon as my feet hit the floor I was in work mode. I deep cleaned and organized the laundry room which was no small task. I worked in the yard for about an hour, came in and did two loads of laundry, ran the sweeper, wiped off the table and a host of other things. Around 9:30pm I figured I should finally eat something. I wanted junk food so I opened the freezer and put my head in hoping to find some high calorie, maxed out fat content, sure to drop dead before its over kinda meal. As I decided on a meal the phone rang. I talked for about 10 min then hung up. By then I was out of the mood for junk and cooked a meal of salmon with vegetable rice on the side.

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