I had this dream the morning of January 23rd, 2013 – Wednesday. My dreams are written down immediately which preserves the details.
Dream: I was at a garden party. All the guests were on a long staircase that lead to a house where a father and son were exiting as if on display for the guests. The father came out first but he wasn’t wearing any pants. He had to pass each and every guest in the nude. On his decent he ended up at eye level with everyone. His 3 year old son, though wrapped in a white towel, was also exposed. The towel was open in the middle exposing him to the guests.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Mother Jezebel’
You know, the thing is, I’ve been lonely here. I’m pretty much hospitalized at home. I see my doctors, I see some friends that drop by but I’m here a lot without the presence of friends. I rarely get to go to services anymore because I can’t sit that long. I’m lonely and It felt like I needed at least one friend in the building, someone I could go talk to, chat with and get out of my apartment for just a little bit. I felt like I needed one person whose house I could run to just to get out of mine. Since he’s not on some government watch list like EVERYONE else in my building, I figured he’d be a better choice. Also, once he moved in and I realized he’s part of the local aquarium club I belong to then I was Gung ho about hanging with him. The other plus I saw was that I thought he was straight gay. That’s not the case either.
Continue reading ‘I’ve been lonely’
General anxiety and fears
The first thing to report is that my psych nurse also says that the anti-embolism socks are just fine. The Oncologist, my regular doctor as well as every doctor and nurse that has come here agrees that the pick socks will work as anti-embolism socks. They’re the right mix of fabric which makes them therapeutic.
My doctor and nursing company had a psych nurse come out today. She’ll visit with me but for how long I don’t know. The doctor said he wanted a psychiatric nurse out here today, not tomorrow or Monday like the other company was talking about. She arrived but I honestly don’t know how it went.
It’s been a long day and night.
She came here, we had tea, she asked some questions and said she’d be back on Friday. She wore pink from head to toe which means Amy Pink was out most of the time. Milwaukee was out as well because the nurse made the mistake of asking us how to care for her extra large goldfish.
Continue reading ‘Psych Nurse Visit – Staying Home’
Several years ago I said I wasn’t sorry that my mother grew up the way she did. I said that I’m not sorry her family hurt her but I’m sorry she chose to hurt me. I’d like to change my view a bit.
I’m sorry that my great-grandmother abused my grandmother. I’m sorry that my grandmother frightened and harmed my mother. I’m sorry that my mother had to grow up with a dominating mother and a weak father. I’m sorry that the line she was born into was so harsh and cold.
Continue reading ‘Sorry. Secrets. Love’
This entry has been stuck in my drafts since February 4th, of 2011. There’s an older entry that has handwritten journal entries that go into further detail of my experiences of being told what it means to be black. If you click the little photo under this it’ll take you to that entry. I’m having trouble with WP right now. It’s not letting me add links properly. Anyway………
My experience in 2011: Wednesday afternoon I stepped outside and it was 62 degrees. I could tell people were in a good mood and appreciative of the break from the cold. As I opened my car door to drive myself to therapy a man drove by and yelled, “N-word!”
I’m no stranger to that word. Most of the time that word cuts to the core but for some reason when I heard it that day, I pitied the man. I pitied him for choosing to spend such a beautiful day filled with hatred.
Continue reading ‘Black History Month: Learning to See the Difference’
This entry is a follow up to the pink dryer entry . This handwritten entry goes into detail about how difficult it was to feel as if I belonged anywhere or was seen as anything but an object of derision.
The very first art piece shows a three headed child with the caption, “You can be anyone except who you really are.” This art therapy piece will make more sense if the pages are read concerning being black and how I was told to be an example for others. The example I was to set was insane and rather stupid thus the title, Black for Dummies.
My therapist and I spent a good amount of time talking how during this writing I stumbled upon the understanding that my sister should not be seen as weak for how she handled the abuse. Continue reading ‘Black for Dummies’
This handwritten journal entry came about when I discovered why I’d been so triggered lately. About a year ago I got dreadlocks, then I discovered its not as easy a hair style at I thought it would be. I have to twist and re-twist as well as sit under my GE tabletop dryer to speed the take of the lock. Doing this reminded me of all the times my mother took me to the hair dresser. I wish I could say it was a pleasant memory but it wasn’t. In order to deal with the triggers I drew a picture of me sitting under the dryer. I did this WHILE I was under the dryer which means I was drawing myself drying my hair.
One of the things about the picture is that the dryer is shown as pink. It’s not. It’s a tabletop GE Dryer in white like the photo shows.
Continue reading ‘Pink dryer and a house under my foot’