After watching Seven Pounds I was pissed so I popped in yet another depressing movie called Last Light. It’s with Forest Whitaker (a prison guard) and Kiefer Sutherland (death row inmate.) Kiefer plays a guy who at age 16 stole food and ended up going to juvenile hall where he killed an older boy. Rape was implied. He then went to prison where he killed his cell mate. Rape was implied. The next person he killed was a prison guard who was sent in to him as a joke. He ended up cutting his throat ear to ear. Kiefer was sentenced to execution for that.
Archive for the 'Female Sadist' Category
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Dr. D said that its understandable that my views on sex are skewed seeing as how I was raised by a sadist and all. He says despite being raised by a sexual sadist I still have to come to grips with the fact that as a human being I have sexual urges. I told him that urges aren’t the problem, its my view of sex that’s the problem. I see it not as an act between two people but as payment for a wrong, actual or perceived. I see it as payment. If someone does something for me I feel I owe them. I also see sex as punishment and a way to humiliate.
Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
She’d talk to me and tell me what she wanted to do to me. She’d talk for an hour or longer. I’d think to myself, “Shut up already. Just shut up.”
I’m not sure why she ran her mouth so much but she did. She did, and she knew exactly how to make me feel like nothing.
It seemed to take forever for her to reach the point of arousal that made her get up from the bed next to mine and make me wish I was dead.
The few YouTube videos I’ve seen tell me I’d cry like a baby if I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I’ve never seen it and since it was mentioned during my visit I figured I’d look it up. There was one video called At Least I Tried where about 3.5 min in a Native American guy drew me to tears.
The first part of the scene Jack Nicholson tries to lift a marble water fountain with no success. When he turned to leave the area he told the other clients, “At least I tried.” The next part of the video shows a Naive man doing what was considered impossible. He lifted a marble drinking fountain off its foundation, walked through the hospital, put it threw a window and took his freedom. As I said, I’ve not seen the entire movie so I have no clue what happened to him after he left, don’t want to either.
I’m thrilled because I’m actually going to see that 40. Despite how hard she tried to take life from me, I lived. I can’t believe it. Wow! I’m going to be 40. I’m just so thrilled by that. I still have a couple of months but I’m excited.
I’m still here. I’m sort of withdrawn, closed up, not really doing much outside of dealing with the kittens and therapy.
I met my new medical doctor today. I like him. He had me laughing when he described himself as pasty and ‘pigment deficient’. I told him not to worry, its okay. Poor thing, it’s no true. He’s not going to be okay. I’ve never seen the likes of it. …. anyway…. The guy is hilarious but he’s also very kind. When getting blood work done he stayed with me.
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