Archive for the 'Abuse' Category

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A Face to My Anger Pt2

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Art, Art Therapy, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

……… My mother isn’t a mystery to me nor is she one dimensional. She is concrete which makes her a lot easier to me angry with.

Mother anger issues:

I have more memories of her than any other family member; including my older sister which may be one reason my anger towards her is stronger than other family members.

I was intrigued by her. I thought she was larger than life only to find out she was just another sadist in a dress.

I feel lied to. I feel as if my childhood was filled with lies by her and that I’m just now unraveling them and finding the truth. Each truth I find seems to bring up a little more anger for her.

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Too Much to Lose

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

I didn’t make it in to therapy today because of body issues but we talked on the phone about dreams, girls and the sex offender I spoke with a few weeks back.

I decided not to talk to the offender again to ask him how he got to the point where he could hurt his son. I decided not to because I’m not sure I can live with the answer. While he was forthcoming and respectful the first meeting he may have had a change of heart since then. What if his answer is cruel or shocking as opposed to truthful yet tactful?

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Inner Aggression and Abuse

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fear, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 0 Comments

Dr. D and I talked about trust and violence. We talked about how Robert is cruel and abusive towards us. He cuts and burns us regularly. Dr. D says he’s one angry, belligerent boy who should be stopped. This conversation came up after Dr. D suggested that he no longer stay seated at the end of the session but rather he wanted to walk us to the door. Let me back up. At the end of my session I ask for two things. I want a 5 min warning that the session is about to end and I want him to stay seated while I leave. I don’t want him to walk me to the door, open it and escort me out. Some see it as walking me out but I see it as escorting me out, throwing me out and abandoning me. There’s more to it than that but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Dr. D’s suggestion caused serious upset. Because some of us were frightened by the suggestion Robert became aggressive and abusive towards me and others inside. He was so angry that we showed fear and upset. Because we did he wanted to make us hurt and hurt bad.

Inner Aggression and Abuse – Saturday, September 03, 2011-1:43am EST

DREAM: Vicious Dogs and Owners

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Dreams and PTSD. 0 Comments

The dream took place where I lived in the 4th grade. In this house lived 4 black and silver German Sheppard dogs, two white middle aged males and their African-American daughter Clay who happened to be my youngest female cousin (age 13). Clay was quiet and submissive when needed but she was also able to think on her feet and talk her way out of trouble. In the dream I was first just an observer then a participant. I was around 15 years old.

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My Conversation with a Sex Offender

Published on August 10, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Emotions, PTSD and Secrets and Confessions. 5 Comments Tags: .

I never thought I’d ever sit down with an offender and speak to him frankly and have him freely answer my questions. When I spoke to him I told him I didn’t need to know why but I did need to know if he understood what he put his son through. I needed to know if he understood the amount of damage he caused by his actions. I also asked if he’s repentant and if so what did he do to get to that point? It’s not enough to say you’re sorry or repentant; you have to act, move forward and away from those behaviors. What steps were taken to show repentance?
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The Little Girl Next Door

Published on July 27, 2011 in Abuse, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Therapy. 0 Comments

I realize I still have issues with identifying with the aggressor but this here crept up on me and caught me off guard. It lets me know more work needs to be done on retraining my thought processes as it relates to my abuse and abusers.

I heard of a little girl who missed the school bus and tried to go back home but wasn’t allowed inside the house. She tried to call her stepfather who was home but he wouldn’t answer the phone so she called her mother at work who told her to walk in the snow to school. My friend gave the little girl a ride. Despite the fact that this happened years ago there was still a measure of disgust in her voice. She couldn’t believe how the little one was treated. I was shocked too, but more so at the little girl than at her parents.

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Last Light

Published on July 20, 2011 in Emotional abuse, Fear, Female Sadist, Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

After watching Seven Pounds I was pissed so I popped in yet another depressing movie called Last Light. It’s with Forest Whitaker (a prison guard) and Kiefer Sutherland (death row inmate.) Kiefer plays a guy who at age 16 stole food and ended up going to juvenile hall where he killed an older boy. Rape was implied. He then went to prison where he killed his cell mate. Rape was implied. The next person he killed was a prison guard who was sent in to him as a joke. He ended up cutting his throat ear to ear. Kiefer was sentenced to execution for that.

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