I never thought I’d ever sit down with an offender and speak to him frankly and have him freely answer my questions. When I spoke to him I told him I didn’t need to know why but I did need to know if he understood what he put his son through. I needed to know if he understood the amount of damage he caused by his actions. I also asked if he’s repentant and if so what did he do to get to that point? It’s not enough to say you’re sorry or repentant; you have to act, move forward and away from those behaviors. What steps were taken to show repentance?
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I realize I still have issues with identifying with the aggressor but this here crept up on me and caught me off guard. It lets me know more work needs to be done on retraining my thought processes as it relates to my abuse and abusers.
I heard of a little girl who missed the school bus and tried to go back home but wasn’t allowed inside the house. She tried to call her stepfather who was home but he wouldn’t answer the phone so she called her mother at work who told her to walk in the snow to school. My friend gave the little girl a ride. Despite the fact that this happened years ago there was still a measure of disgust in her voice. She couldn’t believe how the little one was treated. I was shocked too, but more so at the little girl than at her parents.
After watching Seven Pounds I was pissed so I popped in yet another depressing movie called Last Light. It’s with Forest Whitaker (a prison guard) and Kiefer Sutherland (death row inmate.) Kiefer plays a guy who at age 16 stole food and ended up going to juvenile hall where he killed an older boy. Rape was implied. He then went to prison where he killed his cell mate. Rape was implied. The next person he killed was a prison guard who was sent in to him as a joke. He ended up cutting his throat ear to ear. Kiefer was sentenced to execution for that.
The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.
I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.
I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.
Dr. D said that its understandable that my views on sex are skewed seeing as how I was raised by a sadist and all. He says despite being raised by a sexual sadist I still have to come to grips with the fact that as a human being I have sexual urges. I told him that urges aren’t the problem, its my view of sex that’s the problem. I see it not as an act between two people but as payment for a wrong, actual or perceived. I see it as payment. If someone does something for me I feel I owe them. I also see sex as punishment and a way to humiliate.
Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
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