My blood is still not doing right but we aren’t getting clear answers to why.
A huge issue for me right now is that I have to see the doctor who left me in pain, which really pisses me off. The woman let me be in pain for no good reason. She refused a script of Tramadol, refused any pain meds saying they don’t work for Fibro. I know they won’t work on the Fibro but they will give me relief from secondary pain caused by the Fibro. She left me in torturous pain for no reason and now I have to see her because there has been a shift in doctors. I’m not happy about it. The insiders, especially the young ones and Robert, see her as cruel. It doesn’t make sense to them why she walked out of the house and left us in that kind of pain. That thought goes round and round in our head and makes us crazy.
Continue reading ‘The other troubles’
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You’re the third nurse I’ve had in six months so you’re Nurse Rached the third. All my nurses are called Nurse Rached no matter their temperament No offence is intended. You know what I think of you………Anyway, I wanted to write this to you so that you have a list of questions that I need answered before my services are stopped.
I understand that the Oncologist said six months is what needed to be done for the treatment and after that it would be detrimental to my health. I understand that, what I’d like to know is how we know my blood levels are stable? Just because I’m not on the medication anymore doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fixed and fine and dandy. To discontinue nursing services because I’m not taking this treatment anymore seems premature. It would seem reasonable to at least still monitor my blood levels. Perhaps that’s not needed once per week but we can’t just assume that after stopping the treatment that the blood levels are fine and will stay that way. That makes no sense to me.
Continue reading ‘Letter to Nurse Rached III’
I wasn’t going to write this dream down. I was just going to let it go and try to forget about it but I saw a little too much in it to let it go. I had this dream right after the one I wrote down called Killing Families. I remember laying there thinking, what has attacked my brain? What kind of terrorist has gotten in here and unleashed this ………..this? These type of dreams make me feel like a prisoner in my head and I am never, ever getting out. It feels like an attack. I think they call this terrorist PTSD. So I lay there crying with the cat on my chest, purring, snuggling wishing to God I was dead. Actually, I thought that before I went to sleep. I thought it would be of comfort to have someone sit beside me and tell me they’re going to give me an injection to make me sleepy then they’re going to give another that will make every pain in my body stop and every tear that has ever rolled down my face will be forgotten. I can go to sleep.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Killed Pt2′
The 60 gallon tank that had the broken seal has been fixed. It holds water now and is ready for life to go in it. I’m going to put the frogs back in there and set up the 60 long with driftwood and schooling fish. This means my Texas friend has to get on the ball and send me my driftwood.
I had to re-home my 7 inch goldfish as well as two 5 inch goldfish before I moved because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to set up the tank for them anytime soon. I knew my emotional and physical strength wouldn’t be up to getting their tank set up correctly and in a timely fashion. I also re-homed the rainbowfish and slew of other fish. All fish were re-homed except the bettas and of course the frogs. Well, the other day I was on Craigslist and saw the 3 goldfish being sold with a group of other fish for $150.00. Continue reading ‘The Immature Aquarist’
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There have been many things lately that have come up with Betty that I don’t like. As a matter of fact I realize, I don’t trust her. I needed to check and see what she’s thinking because I needed to know if its just my head playing tricks on me. So I asked her if she likes my new place. Does she think it’s dirty, is she unhappy with the furniture? Those were all the things playing in my head again and again. She said no and asked where I got that idea. I got it from some of what she’s said and did but maybe some of it I took too close to heart because of all that’s going on right now.
I’m sensitive…..fragmented…..self loathing and lost. I know my head isn’t right but in my gut, I…..argh……I fear what she evokes in me……..I fear her possessiveness and controlling nature. I fear speaking badly of her because I don’t want it to sound like she’s a terrible person or that I only see her one way. I don’t want it to seem as if she’s all bad one day and all good another. I’d like to see this as a rough patch where I see parts of her personality that are difficult for me to manage but mostly what want to see doesn’t go with what I feel.
Continue reading ‘If Looks Could Kill’
One: I want to numb it and I want to run and shake my head back and forth. I want to shake it off, make it not matter, make myself not care. I’ll figure out a place to put it and simply let it go.
Two: Next month a friend has said she and I will get together for lunch. This is the same friend who cancels the day of arrangements with some huge emergency She says she can get together the next day and we’ll do something even better. I get together with her the next day filled with resentment. Last time when she canceled I refused her next day plan. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I let myself get all excited. I wanted it to happen. This time she called me for the plans but I do not see this lunch coming to fruition. I will not get my hopes up. I will not let it hurt. I know the chance is slim that she will come through so there is no need to get my hopes up, no need to look forward to it.
Continue reading ‘Two Matters and a Resolution’
During Wednesday’s phone session with Dr. D, Robert was out talking to him while standing in the middle of the bedroom. The only reason Robert was out was because there was a knock at the door from a neighbor we don’t much care for. Robert spoke to Dr. D angrily about the neighbor, but as he did he looked around the bedroom as if he were lost.
Robert may talk a lot inside but he isn’t completely forward that often. When he was unexpectedly forward his surroundings seemed strange to him, almost as if he wasn’t quite certain where he was.
Continue reading ‘Strange Room’