Archive for the 'Anger' Category

Black for Dummies

Published on February 1, 2012 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist, Letters Home, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

This entry is a follow up to the pink dryer entry . This handwritten entry goes into detail about how difficult it was to feel as if I belonged anywhere or was seen as anything but an object of derision.

The very first art piece shows a three headed child with the caption, “You can be anyone except who you really are.” This art therapy piece will make more sense if the pages are read concerning being black and how I was told to be an example for others. The example I was to set was insane and rather stupid thus the title, Black for Dummies.

My therapist and I spent a good amount of time talking how during this writing I stumbled upon the understanding that my sister should not be seen as weak for how she handled the abuse. Continue reading ‘Black for Dummies’

Pink dryer and a house under my foot

Published on February 1, 2012 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist and Letters Home. 0 Comments Tags: .

This handwritten journal entry came about when I discovered why I’d been so triggered lately. About a year ago I got dreadlocks, then I discovered its not as easy a hair style at I thought it would be. I have to twist and re-twist as well as sit under my GE tabletop dryer to speed the take of the lock. Doing this reminded me of all the times my mother took me to the hair dresser. I wish I could say it was a pleasant memory but it wasn’t. In order to deal with the triggers I drew a picture of me sitting under the dryer. I did this WHILE I was under the dryer which means I was drawing myself drying my hair.

One of the things about the picture is that the dryer is shown as pink. It’s not. It’s a tabletop GE Dryer in white like the photo shows.

Continue reading ‘Pink dryer and a house under my foot’

Smoke and Mirrors

Published on January 27, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

After writing my last entry and quoting my mother as saying, “Would Mommy approve?” I got a bit irritated (?) so I ended up working off that emotion by writing.

My mother refused to allow us to call her anything but mommy or by her nickname given to her by my father. As an older teen I hated calling her mommy. As I type the word my nose is turned up like it’s the most disgusting word in the world. It feels as if she kept me “little” by using that word. Oh man I can’t explain how disgusted I am by that word. It’s just that she forced it. We had to call her that and she would tell people we called her that. My girls are such and such of age and still call me mommy. Of course we did, it was a requirement. It was a requirement the same as saying Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am. I have no objection to using those terms of respect. As a matter of fact I still say them, it’s just that hearing myself say it to her makes me sick.

Continue reading ‘Smoke and Mirrors’

A Face To My Anger Pt1

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Emotions, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

One of the reasons I really like having speaking engagements, interviews and the like is because I often get asked a question that really makes me think. One question asked by a student at a local college has stuck with me since the day she asked it. I wrote one entry and touched on it but the question has been in the back of my mind because I’m not certain I entirely answered it. I may not see that young lady again and she may never get to hear my answer nor may she ever understand the importance of her asking it.

Continue reading ‘A Face To My Anger Pt1′

A Face to My Anger Pt2

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Art, Art Therapy, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

……… My mother isn’t a mystery to me nor is she one dimensional. She is concrete which makes her a lot easier to me angry with.

Mother anger issues:

I have more memories of her than any other family member; including my older sister which may be one reason my anger towards her is stronger than other family members.

I was intrigued by her. I thought she was larger than life only to find out she was just another sadist in a dress.

I feel lied to. I feel as if my childhood was filled with lies by her and that I’m just now unraveling them and finding the truth. Each truth I find seems to bring up a little more anger for her.

Continue reading ‘A Face to My Anger Pt2′

The Burden of Sleep

Published on January 11, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Emotions and PTSD. 4 Comments

If you knew that at a certain time, in a certain place you’d be violated and humiliated would you show up at that time and place? Would you readily end other activities, get dressed then show up for that appointment or would you find a million reasons not to attend?

I put off sleep more than anything else. I avoid it like the plague but the problem is, in order to live I have to sleep. Man that’s cruel. In order to live I have to lay down, surrender and let my brain vomit all over me. That is cruel.

Some call it sleep but I call it a standing appointment for violation.

The Burden of Sleep – Monday, November 07, 2011 – 11:37pm EST

J of A

Falling Down, Looking Forward

Published on October 11, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Medical and PTSD. 1 Comment

Have you ever eaten something that was almost too good to continue eating? I did that today. What I made was simple but once you put these two flavors together the mouth explodes with joy. Here’s what I did, I added Mandarin oranges to lemon jello then added whip topping. Simple yet absolutely awesome! In addition to my peppermint addiction I love the mix of orange and lemon, especially in a white cake with butter cream icing. That’s my favorite cake ever. Now I’ve got a favorite jello. :-)

Continue reading ‘Falling Down, Looking Forward’