Archive for the 'Anxiety' Category

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

Published on May 4, 2013 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Forgiveness, Lupus Fibromyalgia and PTSD. 0 Comments

I don’t know. I’m okay I guess. A bit overwhelmed, but okay.

I met with the doctor that I didn’t want to see. It turns out there was 100% miscommunication on both sides. This lack of communication and erroneous information resulted in a patient with PTSD seeing the doctor as a cruel woman with ice in her veins.  I resented her for walking out of the house leaving me in that kind of pain. Even before I asked for a 2 week script with no refills the appointment felt cold. She was cold, unfeeling and flatline. She was mechanical and distant. I thought she’d become callous over the years and that her oath to help had been broken. It turns out this may not be the case.

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Pup. Fears. Possibilities.

Published on April 16, 2013 in Anxiety, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Lupus Fibromyalgia, Pets, PTSD and Trust. 2 Comments Tags: .

these twoThis is an all over the place entry. I’m sorting things out in my head and trying to figure out where I’m at with things.

My first thought is, I’m in over my head. My second thought is, I’ll regret it if I just foster him. I’ll regret it.

He’s a delight. I adore him….but I’ve had a few second thoughts. Today was a very high pain day, at 9 and 10 most of the day. I got up and walked him three times as well as went to take him out to use the restroom. I slept a lot too which meant he was in his little crate a long time yesterday and today. My friend says to hold out, don’t panic. He’s a good boy and very trainable. He’s such a good boy, BUT I’m so very tired and I wonder if I’m up for it. Did I jump the gun? These are thoughts that are rolling around in my head.

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Nurse Rached III Update

Published on April 2, 2013 in Anxiety, Emotions, For the Record, Gratitude Journal and Lupus Fibromyalgia. 0 Comments

***comments are closed***

These are just notes from our conversation so that I know where the notes are. They’re right next to the list intended for the nurse to see. These notes are actually for all of me so that we know what’s going on.

In my drugged and half asleep state, I clearly heard Nurse Rached III say that she spoke to the doctor herself and services will NOT be discontinued. She and the CNA will be here for awhile. Physical therapy stops, she and the CNA will be here for good while.

I appreciate her getting back to me so quickly about it cause I was worried. The ‘funny’ thing is, I was planning. I do that. It was devastating to think it was over, but I kicked into survival mode. I was going to be pissed by the major set back and feel that pissed feeling for a bit but trust me, I was going to get up and figure out what my other resources were to manage this bit of life I’ve got.

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Letter to Nurse Rached III

Published on April 2, 2013 in Anger, Anxiety, Emotions and Lupus Fibromyalgia. 0 Comments

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You’re the third nurse I’ve had in six months so you’re Nurse Rached the third. All my nurses are called Nurse Rached no matter their temperament  No offence is intended. You know what I think of you………Anyway, I wanted to write this to you so that you have a list of questions that I need answered before my services are stopped.

I understand that the Oncologist said six months is what needed to be done for the treatment and after that it would be detrimental to my health. I understand that, what I’d like to know is how we know my blood levels are stable? Just because I’m not on the medication anymore doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fixed and fine and dandy. To discontinue nursing services because I’m not taking this treatment anymore seems premature. It would seem reasonable to at least still monitor my blood levels. Perhaps that’s not needed once per week but we can’t just assume that after stopping the treatment that the blood levels are fine and will stay that way. That makes no sense to me.

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Cracks in my brain

Published on April 1, 2013 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, For the Record, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

Dr.D and I went over the three dreams today in therapy. He asked what I thought they meant and I told him that I feel lost. I feel lost in my mind and in my heart. I feel lost. I think that’s part of the reason I kept getting lost in the dreams. Each time I went into the wrong apartment or house with devastating results. I was in constant danger of prolonged pain or severe emotional trauma if I lived. I mentioned that in the dreams someone else was driving the cars when they crashed. They had no control. I had no control. I feel like I have little control over things right now.

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Time for Personal Care

Published on March 30, 2013 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Mental Health and PTSD. 2 Comments Tags: .

I am in the dumps. I’m depressed and angry, exhausted physically and frustrated with everyone on the face of the earth. I’m broke as all get out and worried. But that’s not something I can fix today. I can’t fix a lot today but what I can do is take advantage of some of the things around me.

pink silicone muffin cupsFirst and foremost is personal hygiene. I need to take care of that. Today its 55 degrees outside. I’m going to take a walk but before I go I’m going to put a tiny roast in the slow cooker with some carrots, taters and real green beans. I’m going to have corn bread muffins in the little silicone muffin cups Betty got me. I’ll eat, I’ll read, later I’ll catch the episode of Survivor that I missed and then I’ll end the night by tossing paint around. The cups she purchased are white which is fine by me. Had they been pink I would have screamed. I literally would have screamed!

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DREAM: Wrong House

Published on March 30, 2013 in Anxiety, Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

In last night’s dream I was at my uncle’s apartment. While there they wanted to see if I would adopted one of the two cats they found wondering in the building. I said no. One was a kitten, the other a full grown cat, both solid black.

My uncle’s apartment was huge, huge. I visited each room which seemed prettier than the last. There were succulent plants in one room that were stunning. Another room had these beautiful blooming cotton flowers along side fresh growing chives and chamomile flowers. There were plants everywhere but not so many that it overwhelmed the place. My aunt was careful to arrange them in a way that was magazine perfect. I was quite pleased and relaxed around the flower displays.

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