Archive for the 'Fear' Category

Hospital Update

Published on February 10, 2012 in Emotions, Fear and Medical. 0 Comments Tags: .

They didn’t keep me as thought, they gave me meds and allowed me to come home with a friend who will watch over me. They gave me strong meds which they asked me to take for a short period of time.  As far as my regular meds go, one was doubled and one was added.

One of the friends that’s popping in took the opportunity in the ER to photograph me about an hour after being given that “knock a horse out” cocktail. I just wish she told me to lay down that dreadlock that’s standing straight up BEFORE she took the shot. It’s a good thing I have a good sense of humor. I had to laugh at myself when I saw this.

Because of being plastered I’m taking a few days from doing any kind of real thinking. Right now it wouldn’t be within my best interest to attempt to …. well, to think too hard. You know how you think you’re okay to manage things only later to find out you weren’t? I’m trying to avoid that. I just need a few days and I should be back to my normal dysfunction. For now I’m going to camp on my sofa in the living room so I can watch TV and the fish tanks.

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The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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Smoke and Mirrors

Published on January 27, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

After writing my last entry and quoting my mother as saying, “Would Mommy approve?” I got a bit irritated (?) so I ended up working off that emotion by writing.

My mother refused to allow us to call her anything but mommy or by her nickname given to her by my father. As an older teen I hated calling her mommy. As I type the word my nose is turned up like it’s the most disgusting word in the world. It feels as if she kept me “little” by using that word. Oh man I can’t explain how disgusted I am by that word. It’s just that she forced it. We had to call her that and she would tell people we called her that. My girls are such and such of age and still call me mommy. Of course we did, it was a requirement. It was a requirement the same as saying Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am. I have no objection to using those terms of respect. As a matter of fact I still say them, it’s just that hearing myself say it to her makes me sick.

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I’m Not Sure Why

Published on January 13, 2012 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Fear and Medical. 2 Comments

I’m not sure why but for the last week or so I’ve gone to bed with the desire to curl up and weep. I don’t really know why I feel so grieved.

I swore I was going to eat something today and I did. I had a large salad but I didn’t eat the pork chop. I just didn’t want it.

I read 39 chapters of 41 in a book I discovered just today. I stopped reading when there was a knock at the door. Why would someone knock on the door at 10pm? He knocked several times until finally I went over to the door and said, “Sir, please leave.” He said, “What?” I repeated it to which he said, “Okay.” He then turned around and left. He got into his truck which he left running and with the lights on. Strange. One part of me says he might have the wrong apartment but that didn’t make me feel safe enough to say anything other than, “Please leave.” I had my phone in my hand just in case there was a repeat of the guy who did something similar years ago who refused to leave and forced me to kick his ass when he kicked my door in. I’ll finish the book tomorrow as I’m a little too unnerved tonight.

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At the Mother’s House

Published on January 11, 2012 in Anxiety, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

What an unpleasant surprise. I use a medical transportation service to get to therapy now. The service I use is much nicer than Yellow Cab. They’re cleaner and they don’t stress me. I do, however, sometimes have to share the ride with one other person. Today I was picked up early because a lady lived far away and he wouldn’t have time to get me to therapy on time if I didn’t just go with them. It turns out she lives within a stone’s throw of my mother’s house.

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Falling Down, Looking Forward

Published on October 11, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Medical and PTSD. 1 Comment

Have you ever eaten something that was almost too good to continue eating? I did that today. What I made was simple but once you put these two flavors together the mouth explodes with joy. Here’s what I did, I added Mandarin oranges to lemon jello then added whip topping. Simple yet absolutely awesome! In addition to my peppermint addiction I love the mix of orange and lemon, especially in a white cake with butter cream icing. That’s my favorite cake ever. Now I’ve got a favorite jello. :-)

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Too Much to Lose

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

I didn’t make it in to therapy today because of body issues but we talked on the phone about dreams, girls and the sex offender I spoke with a few weeks back.

I decided not to talk to the offender again to ask him how he got to the point where he could hurt his son. I decided not to because I’m not sure I can live with the answer. While he was forthcoming and respectful the first meeting he may have had a change of heart since then. What if his answer is cruel or shocking as opposed to truthful yet tactful?

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