When I blog regularly I keep up with what I’ve been doing and with dates and times. It’s also easier to track changes in my art therapy when I post it. I’ve not been blogging. I’ve not written down anything having to do with what I’ve done or who I’ve been with or anything. One thing I do know is that my home has been rearranged twice without my knowledge.
I start to blog but then I can’t get my words to come out. They are jumbled and unclear.
What I feel is tired and discouraged. I think I’ve made that point clear. What I feel is physical pain that doubles me over and causes me to vomit. What I feel is fear that another attack like I had is looming. It makes moments of tolerable pain less of a relief because I’m thinking about the pain that’s hovering behind me. It’s like I can see it over my shoulder, waiting to attack. I’m tired of the pain. I am so tired of hitting level 9 and 10 for days in a row. My body and I did not sign up for this.
Continue reading ‘Keeping Records. Pain. Humility’
Dr. Jekyll came to my home for our appointment today. She increased Baclofen to the max dose. We increased the pain killers and talked about MMJ. For religious reasons I do not smoke, but I can take that medication a different way which is through a vaporizer. I was asked if that’s splitting hairs. My answer is this: if you go to the hospital with an asthma attack they don’t hand you a rolled up medication then light it and have you smoke it. No, they give you a vaporizer breathing treatment. They give the same medication a different way. This is how I view vaporizing MMJ instead of smoking. I still get the medication but in a way that I can accept spiritually.
Dr. Jekyll added Vitamin B-12 and Vitamin D. It turns out she treats with holistic health as well as traditional medicine. I love that! I like her. It seems Dr. Jekyll is going to be very, very helpful. I needed a nutritionist AND a medical doctor.
Continue reading ‘Up this, up that’
its not been good at all. emotionally i’m a train wreck but physically i’m fine. i’m on the floor typing this so please excuse typos that don’t get corrected.
i packed this place alone. i had someone here sitting with me which was exactly what i needed, but i packed this place alone. i needed to do it that way. i needed the emotional support of someone just being here. i’m proud of what i did but i’m finding that it was not good enough for some who came to help move me.
Continue reading ‘moving today- better footing’
The last few days have been horrible for pain. At this point its nothing short of torture.
At one point I thought, why is my body attacking me, but that belief needs to be corrected. A more accurate questions is: Why is my body being attacked? My body isn’t attacking me, my body is being attacked by two illnesses.
My body and I are going through this together. It feels every single pain and strain I do. My body has nothing against me. It’s not punishing me, not angry with me, not attacking me. My body is going through every single step of this fight with me. It’s tired. I’m tired.
Continue reading ‘A Body Under Attack’
This conversation took place around 7:00pm tonight. I laughed so hard at a friend’s response but she got me thinking, which has lead to this journal entry.
Me: I just feel like the house is getting out of control. It feels so gross. Doesn’t it feel gross to you?
Friend: Fuck you, it’s all in your head.
Me: What? You think it’s all in my head. It doesn’t feel dirty to you?
Friend: No, it’s clean, very clean, its all in your head, fuck you… and ‘Danny’ too!
Continue reading ‘It’s all in your head’
I’ve been back on Zoloft for about a week or so now. They’ve upped the dosage to 100 mg once per day. I take it at night. It hasn’t interrupted my sleep.
I met the new nursing staff today. I think of the schedule and how many people will file in and out of here and all I want to do is barricade myself in the house and never answer the door again. The best thing to do is think of one appointment at a time, one visit at a time. I can’t think of this down the road. I can’t look at this from a distance because it seems too much, too big and for too long.
Continue reading ‘Third Time’s a Charm’
I said something Betty thought she’d never hear me say. I said I was done with the fish tanks and didn’t want to mess with them anymore.
Depression is high.
There is a young girl from the fish club that will come over and with me she and I will manage the tanks. I knew her before the fish club and trust her to help out from time to time.
Continue reading ‘Push’