Have you ever eaten something that was almost too good to continue eating? I did that today. What I made was simple but once you put these two flavors together the mouth explodes with joy. Here’s what I did, I added Mandarin oranges to lemon jello then added whip topping. Simple yet absolutely awesome! In addition to my peppermint addiction I love the mix of orange and lemon, especially in a white cake with butter cream icing. That’s my favorite cake ever. Now I’ve got a favorite jello. 
Archive for the 'Fear' Category
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I didn’t make it in to therapy today because of body issues but we talked on the phone about dreams, girls and the sex offender I spoke with a few weeks back.
I decided not to talk to the offender again to ask him how he got to the point where he could hurt his son. I decided not to because I’m not sure I can live with the answer. While he was forthcoming and respectful the first meeting he may have had a change of heart since then. What if his answer is cruel or shocking as opposed to truthful yet tactful?
Dr. D and I talked about trust and violence. We talked about how Robert is cruel and abusive towards us. He cuts and burns us regularly. Dr. D says he’s one angry, belligerent boy who should be stopped. This conversation came up after Dr. D suggested that he no longer stay seated at the end of the session but rather he wanted to walk us to the door. Let me back up. At the end of my session I ask for two things. I want a 5 min warning that the session is about to end and I want him to stay seated while I leave. I don’t want him to walk me to the door, open it and escort me out. Some see it as walking me out but I see it as escorting me out, throwing me out and abandoning me. There’s more to it than that but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Dr. D’s suggestion caused serious upset. Because some of us were frightened by the suggestion Robert became aggressive and abusive towards me and others inside. He was so angry that we showed fear and upset. Because we did he wanted to make us hurt and hurt bad.
Inner Aggression and Abuse – Saturday, September 03, 2011-1:43am EST
The main thing I’ve felt this week is disturbed. I don’t know how to describe it other than disturbed. Dr. D and I briefly discussed hospitalization but I don’t want to do that again, especially so soon.
There’s been a lot of yelling, a lot of anger and anguish inside. We’re not right and I know it but I don’t want to spend my 40th birthday in the hospital. So I’ll keep throwing paint around, piling markers on top of crayons and tossing oil in with water colors. I’ll keep doing what I do without concern for if it looks right. It feels better when I paint. I wish I could sit down and read a bit but I’m a bit too anxious for that. I’ll just keep painting and maybe I’ll find balance somewhere.
After watching Seven Pounds I was pissed so I popped in yet another depressing movie called Last Light. It’s with Forest Whitaker (a prison guard) and Kiefer Sutherland (death row inmate.) Kiefer plays a guy who at age 16 stole food and ended up going to juvenile hall where he killed an older boy. Rape was implied. He then went to prison where he killed his cell mate. Rape was implied. The next person he killed was a prison guard who was sent in to him as a joke. He ended up cutting his throat ear to ear. Kiefer was sentenced to execution for that.
The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.
I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.
I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.
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