I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
Continue reading ‘I remember too’
I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.
When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.
Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt. I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.” Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.
Continue reading ‘Blinded’
Published on
February 8, 2010 in
Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Trust.
Tags: crayon and marker, mixed media.
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
Continue reading ‘Flowering’
***comments are off***
It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m annoyed, angered, exhausted by the whole thing. I also know there’s no way on earth I’m going to be okay with starting over not when I fear being tossed aside again when the wind blows slightly off course. That pisses me off, it does, to feel thrown away over the …..(no more editing my thoughts) I feel thrown away over the most stupid, minor bull shit of which only half was my fault. I just want to scream, we aren’t in a fucking fairy tale, guess who screws up? Yup everybody and I figure unless there is some huge crime committed that can’t be resolved then one shouldn’t have running away at the top of their list of ways to resolve issues. It pisses me off that….it’s wrong is all. It’s totally wrong. Because there’s an issue or two it doesn’t mean someone has to leave but I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what happened. So yeah, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and maybe even a little bit bitter.
Continue reading ‘Make It Go Away’
I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.
I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.
Continue reading ‘Sleeping With A Pacifier’
1. Of the belief that I can come up with some sort of solution to make my problems go away in a pain free manner.
2. Of the belief that I’ll be just fine and won’t crash.
3. Of the idea that I have the ability to destroy the lives of others.
4. That it’s up to me to step in and say the right things and make everything better.
5. That I can keep going without fuel and support no what – false sense of strength. I can’t do this alone or on empty.
6. That I need to rescue my friends when they themselves refuse to act.
7. Of the idea that the pains of others must become my own.
8. That I’ve failed my family, my friends and humanity in general.
9. Of the idea that my identity is reflected in an object ie, the house is clean therefore I’m clean. OCD issues.
10. Of the idea that I’m expected to be the strong one so I should be.
Art therapy piece: Multi-media angel painted on sheet music. She’s holding her hands to release herself…from herself. There are so many circling crayon strokes on this piece which reflects my confused and exhausting path. This is also a layered piece in that it’s printed sheet music followed by layers of crayon followed by markers and food coloring.
I said it once and out of the blue there he was. My friend and I laughed, how strange. A few days later nothing. I dropped a few tears, panicked, cried a little more and said it again. I really want this. Out of the blue there he was again, my gift.
Zollie, Hebrew for gift and a form of the name Saul.
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