In the dream my sister was having some mental health issues. She wasn’t herself, she was absent yet functioning in a manner in which others might not immediately realize she wasn’t well. The dream took place either on a bus or airplane. I couldn’t tell which one. The only people there were me, my sister, my mother and a young girl. The Caucasian girl was about 30 years old, heavy set and had short brunette curly hair. In the dream my sister and I were our current ages (40 and 44), my mother was about 35 years old which is the age she always is in my dreams.
Archive for the 'Grief Sadness Loss' Category
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The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.
I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.
There’s a sense of community here that speaks to the part of me that longs to belong to something or someone. Today a neighbor started an impromptu barbeque. Once the smoke traveled others joined in. No invitations went out, it was a given, all are invited.
Someone brought baked beans; I brought a sheet cake, plates and plastic forks. Someone else brought pork chops and another brought hamburgers, another buns. There was beer and Kool-aide. Despite the fact that there was plenty of Budweiser no one was out of control, loud or obnoxious.
Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
Sleep is vicious to me. It acts like I’ve personally offended it and is now set its life course to haunt me until I lose my mind. Wish it would tell me what I did or leave me alone.
While not sleeping I’ve been painting a bit…a lot.
This particular piece has a lot going on it it. I’ve got two pages filled with my own art therapy symbols then a little girl laying down seemingly calm and happy. At first glance its a happy picture of a little girl in a field with flowers but my symbols for anxiety stand out big time.
Sunflowers: Abuse, multiplicity, divisions
Swirls: Chaos, fear, confusion, overwhelmed
Flowers: Spilling of emotions positive or negative, usually negative and heavy emotions. The two emotions most represented by the presence of flowers are sadness and fear.
Its hard when a kitten dies. I take it hard. My supervisor asked if I wanted her to come and stay with Blossom and wait out the inevitable but I said no. No way did I want to pass her off, so I held her. Soup said it could take up to two hours for her to die, it took half the day.
My little buddy went to his new home yesterday. I say little buddy but his last measurements were 29 inches from his back to the floor and 67 inches from nose to tail. I doubt he was little at birth! So anyway, the home he went to is with a 10 year old little boy and his mother. What I like about the woman is that she wanted specific things from a dog. She wanted a huge dog, male and one that would sleep next to her at night but be gentle enough to play with her son. She needed a dog she could trust alone in the house without destroying things or trying to kill the cat, she has two. What I like about her is she didn’t just want a dog, she needed a dog. There’s a huge difference between wanting and needing. She had specific things she needed from the dog. I really like that she didn’t want just anything.
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