Archive for the 'Love' Category

Self Love: An Opinion

Published on January 11, 2012 in Emotions, Letters Home, Love, PTSD and Trust. 1 Comment

Self Love: An Opinion – Monday, November 28, 2011-2:46pm EST

I got a letter today from Grace who spoke of the elusive act of self love. She commented that everything and everyone is taken care of BEFORE she has her own needs met. This is common, I know. Mothers do it a lot, friends do it, teachers and everyone else. This is where my opinion on the matter comes in. I think part of the reason we do it has to do with running from ourselves. If I keep moving, keep doing for others then I move right past my own empty feelings and need for nurturing and care.

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Preparations Permission Happiness

Published on October 11, 2011 in Art Therapy, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride and Trust. 1 Comment

Two days ago I purchased a gift for my friend Maureen. I can’t wait for her to see it. I can feel her getting closer and closer which means I won’t be around again. I wanted to get her a thank you gift for all the homey touches she’s made here so I picked up a vintage ruler. It’s actually a wooden brick mason’s ruler but I know she’ll like it because it’s vintage. It’s a Lufkin No 636 and it folds up nicely.  For just a buck I can make her smile. I like that.

I know she’s getting closer. I know this because I can feel her, but this means I won’t be here. Since I won’t be around I went ahead and paid everything for the month and filled the house with groceries. I made sure there’s a variety of a food so that even if Robert takes the helm he’ll have food he likes. I need to get some chalk for our chalk board so I can write to Amy, L.J. and Little Anna that they can do the basics. They don’t know they can eat, get something to drink or use the restroom without asking. They have no idea it’s 2011 because they’re stuck in the year of their age. When I was their age I had to ask to do absolutely everything. I didn’t make a move until I was told to. Those three still ask.

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In Time

Published on September 27, 2011 in Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

As I wipe away dust and fold clothes by the window I hear Jacquelyn tell me to pace myself.

I realize I’ve been gone for awhile. I look at the condition of the house and see that a 19 year old boy has occupied my home for nearly three months without taking care to clean it and without concern for the others who live in this head. At first I was irritated that so much needs to be done. Pay a few bills, do the laundry, take out the trash, wash the car (he seems to have messed that up too) and for the love of Pete get some good food in this body of ours. I can feel the difference. I can tell that a teenager has made our food choices. I don’t begrudge him though. I don’t.

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Dream: Sister Risks

Published on August 17, 2011 in Anxiety, Dreams, Love and PTSD. 0 Comments

We were at the university very late waiting for a cab to go home. The university was closing, evacuating and this was the last cab out. A neighbor jumped in the cab with several other people and I convinced the driver to let me go as well since I live next door to one of his passengers. He said okay. I jumped in thinking my sister may have caught another cab or something. I hoped we’d be able to pull away without seeing her pop up in the door. I wanted to believe she’d gotten a ride home. When I saw her in the door I told the guy to stop the cab and let me out because I couldn’t just leave her there. I got out and went inside and told my sister there wasn’t enough room for us both. She was pissed that others got what she called ‘her cab’. She insisted that cab was called for her and he maliciously left her behind to take other passengers home. In order to prove that he was trying to avoid her and leave her she went outside, got on top of a sky scraper and surveyed the area below to find this driver. When she saw a cab circling the university she accused him of trying to confuse her or escape without getting caught by her.

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Hearts in the Bath Tub

Published on July 20, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Love and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: .

The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.

 I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.  

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Mudpuddles

Published on June 20, 2011 in Emotions, Gratitude Journal, Love, Pets and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: , .

For me the rain is dreary for Lea its time to play and splash about.

The water is receading quickly, which is a shock to me, it usually stays for day. It’s about half where it was just a few short hours ago. I figure Lea had her fun but then it was time for a nice soapy bath and a nap. She’s wrapped in her blanket and tucked in her crate snoring her little heart out. She’s my favorite little wet rat.

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Blossom’s Passing

Published on April 24, 2011 in Grief Sadness Loss and Love. 9 Comments Tags: .

Its hard when a kitten dies. I take it hard. My supervisor asked if I wanted her to come and stay with Blossom and wait out the inevitable but I said no. No way did I want to pass her off, so I held her. Soup said it could take up to two hours for her to die, it took half the day.

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