Gus has stayed very close to me since last night. He’s stuck to my side like glue which is much appreciated. The other point of appreciation is that Senior is out of town which leaves me and his son here for the next week. Since DJ is off work for the next week then he’ll be around the house most of the time. As much as I get annoyed with him for the most part I appreciate having someone daunting looking that lives here. I also like that he has this need to push his “I’m a man” status and make sure everyone knows “this is his house!” and “he protects what’s his.”
Archive for the 'Emotions' Category
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very, very stupid, just stupid. yuck.
plain, unadulterated stupidity.
I walked down a path I knew damn well could lead to self destruction. what in the hell is wrong with me?
I’ll call Dr. D tomorrow and hope beyond anything I can get my head back on straight.
I took Midori to the doctor the other day and waited for her in the waiting room. Because I’m quite forgetful I had to run back out to the car to get my headphones and sketchbook which I brought along with me to kill time. As I started to go back inside a man was leaving and held the door open for others to also leave. When he held the door open he ended up backing me into a corner which was impossible to get out of until he moved. The problem wasn’t the corner but how close he stood to me while in the corner. (see the little illustration.) This man stood facing me while he let others out the door. The last person he let out he turned his back towards me. All the time he was so close that we were literally face to face.
*comments are off*
What I expected was lust, what I received was the most emotionally satisfying night I’ve had in many years.
There are certain words I’ve not heard used in reference to me until last night. I spent a lot of time with someone who made me feel masculine but yesterday the words used were all feminine in reference. There were no sweet nothings whispered in my ear to try to get me in bed. Heck, I’m the one that initiated intimacy (I’m usually dominant in that area). She didn’t have to sweet talk me so I figured the words were genuine. Never have I heard anyone tell me they like the way I feel next to them or that I’m soft. There were other things too but I guess what I’m saying is for the first time in a long time this was woman to woman where I actually felt feminine the whole time. Shesh, I was even present for the vast majority of it. It was quite nice.
I’m not a superstitious person and I don’t believe in calling on the Orishas to have my needs met, not for protection, love, money or revenge…not even my health.
I’ve written two or three sentences so far and have erased them all. What I’m trying to say is, I try to stay clear of such things and try not to think of my past but when I opened a box sent to me and saw a small red towel I about crapped myself. It was just so random, so out of place. It’s more than likely not what the cloth sent for but still it scared the crap out of me.
I’ve only seen you twice in my adult life so I wonder, would you recognize me if you saw me on the street? Have you thought about me since I last saw you?
Will you brag to your co-workers that one of your three daughters gave you the gift of a life time and you’re so proud to have her as your daughter? Will you brag this year or simply go about life as usual?
What colors do you like? Forget the simple stuff, what is the best memory of your father? How did you grow up? Were you afraid of the religion your parents practiced or were you okay with it? Where is your father buried? Is there a family plot? What college did you attend, how did you meet my mother? I know nothing at all about you, nothing, yet I grieve as if we’d spent my my most important years together only to lose them to some reckless accident. Why do I grieve you at all?
Despite the hurt life goes on as usual. And as usual I’ll do my best to avoid thinking of what might have been.
So really, what is your favorite color? I like red..and sunflowers, sunflowers are the best ever.
fma
Sunday June 20, 2010 5:43am EST
I nearly quit therapy Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t panicked like that in a good long time but when I did it felt like I never wanted to be in that space again. The best way to never feel that terrified again is to not touch the subject, or any abuse subject. I was ready to chuck it all. Wednesday I switched rapidly and was so frightened that words can’t explain.
One of the things that helps keep me grounded when I panic like that is to have my therapist request that I make eye contact with him. When I look away I tend to focus on one thing and disappear into my head. At the time I can see and feel the abuse and I’m not always certain where I am. Everything around me is confusing, chatter in my head increases and running seems the most reasonable option. I even look at the door several times to see if I really want to run. It’s total and complete panic which takes a hold of me and strangles out reality.
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