Archive for the 'Emotions' Category

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Art Therapy: Changes in Black and White

Published on January 20, 2012 in Anxiety, Art, Art Therapy, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Therapy. 1 Comment

I wasn’t feeling all that calm or collected at the time of these particular drawings which were done with an ink pen or black gel pen.

When I first moved here I thought to myself, my goodness, I’ve gone from the pan into the fire. For a minute that might have been true but its far from true now. For just a moment it was rough.

At first I decided not to do any more end of life foster care for animals or feed newborns. I figured it might be okay to babysit from time to time but I’ll limit that as well. I briefly did foster care for a 15 year old male tabby. His photo is among the sketches. Seeing that boy roll around in catnip was priceless!!! Ever seen an old cat drop about 14.5 years in a few minutes? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Some of my issues are the same, which I expected. I expected anxiety and stuff like that but I never expected to end up at my going to my mother’s house.  That blew me away.

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A Face To My Anger Pt1

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Emotions, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

One of the reasons I really like having speaking engagements, interviews and the like is because I often get asked a question that really makes me think. One question asked by a student at a local college has stuck with me since the day she asked it. I wrote one entry and touched on it but the question has been in the back of my mind because I’m not certain I entirely answered it. I may not see that young lady again and she may never get to hear my answer nor may she ever understand the importance of her asking it.

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A Face to My Anger Pt2

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Art, Art Therapy, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

……… My mother isn’t a mystery to me nor is she one dimensional. She is concrete which makes her a lot easier to me angry with.

Mother anger issues:

I have more memories of her than any other family member; including my older sister which may be one reason my anger towards her is stronger than other family members.

I was intrigued by her. I thought she was larger than life only to find out she was just another sadist in a dress.

I feel lied to. I feel as if my childhood was filled with lies by her and that I’m just now unraveling them and finding the truth. Each truth I find seems to bring up a little more anger for her.

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Thank you for hearing me

Published on January 18, 2012 in Gratitude Journal, PTSD and Trust. 4 Comments Tags: .

The situation: I called to set up an appointment to get my internet installed but the installer complicated things to the point that I had to call the company. The main complaint was his aggression and unwillingness to complete the install. He wanted to make sure the line worked but didn’t want to hook my PC up to the line. He wanted me to sign the paper before the job was completed, before I had my new phone number and before I had the email address associated with my account. In addition to that he kept doing that man burp you hear in bars. He did it 5 or 6 times while he was here. Totally gross.

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Conversation: Anxiety Relief

Published on January 17, 2012 in Anxiety and Humor. 1 Comment Tags: .

Anxiety is no laughing matter…not usually.

Grace:  I’m going to the doctor because of the anxiety. Hopefully he’ll prescribe some meds.
Me:  That’s a good idea to go see the doctor but I heard going on a killing spree works just as well as any anxiety medication.
Grace:  I heard the same thing.

Joan – No Longer Part of Daily Life

Published on January 15, 2012 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Morton's Pride. 0 Comments Tags: .

The entire conversation she thought I was Joan.

Me:  “I’ll show you the brackish water tank when I you see you next time.”
Missy:  “I saw it the last time I was there.”
Me:  “The brackish tank, with the Molly fish in it?”
Missy:  “Yeah, you showed it to me.”
Me:  “Oh”
Missy:  “You need to write down when you’ve been out because someone was upset and said you hadn’t been here since November.”
Silence was followed by, “This isn’t Joan, its Destiny.”
Missy:  “Oh. Sometimes I can tell you apart but sometimes I can’t.”

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I’m Not Sure Why

Published on January 13, 2012 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Fear and Medical. 2 Comments

I’m not sure why but for the last week or so I’ve gone to bed with the desire to curl up and weep. I don’t really know why I feel so grieved.

I swore I was going to eat something today and I did. I had a large salad but I didn’t eat the pork chop. I just didn’t want it.

I read 39 chapters of 41 in a book I discovered just today. I stopped reading when there was a knock at the door. Why would someone knock on the door at 10pm? He knocked several times until finally I went over to the door and said, “Sir, please leave.” He said, “What?” I repeated it to which he said, “Okay.” He then turned around and left. He got into his truck which he left running and with the lights on. Strange. One part of me says he might have the wrong apartment but that didn’t make me feel safe enough to say anything other than, “Please leave.” I had my phone in my hand just in case there was a repeat of the guy who did something similar years ago who refused to leave and forced me to kick his ass when he kicked my door in. I’ll finish the book tomorrow as I’m a little too unnerved tonight.

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